Before I Wake
by newyork24-7
Summary: It sometimes takes a tragedy for us to see what's been right in front of us all along. Based around the prompt table, next up Heaven.
1. Pain

**This idea came to me last night and I've decided to run with it. The idea is to have a story where each chapter title is based around one of the prompts.**

**Hopefully it will work.**

**Oh and I don't know why it's always Jackie I put in these situations, I'll need to amend that one day.**

* * *

**_Pain_**

Hammering his fist against the door, Robbie turned to Jackie, "Door's locked."

Letting out a deep sigh, Jackie waved her hand at the lock. "On you go," she told him.

Grinning he picked the lock quickly, letting the door swing open. "Would you look at that," he commented, "it was open all along."

She raised an eyebrow, her smile widening. "Imagine that."

Stepping into the flat, Robbie headed in the direction of the bedroom, while Jackie checked the kitchen, a moment later she heard Robbie yell out in annoyance as their suspect darted out of the bedroom door and raced out of the flat.

Jackie went after him, knowing that Robbie wouldn't be far behind her. She caught up with him in the back entrance to the tenement, grabbing his arm. He whirled around on his heel, punching her in the stomach, causing her grasp to loosen and giving him the leverage he needed to slip away. Making to run after him, she let out a pained gasp her hand reaching out to grab hold of the doorframe, her other hand clutching her side. She swore under her breath, that had damn well hurt.

"You let him get away," Robbie snapped irritably as he appeared at her side.

"Because you were so much help," she replied sharply.

"Little Bastard got a lucky punch in." He felt his cheek gingerly. "It's going to bruise, I can tell."

"Worried about your precious good looks?"

"Nah, women like a bit of danger in a man," he grinned over at her, his smile turning to a frown when he saw her. "You ok?" he asked in concern.

"Fine, just winded," she assured him, "it looks like he got two lucky punches in." She tried to straighten up and winced, doubling over again, the hand that had been clutching her side hitting the wall in frustration.

"Shit!" She heard Robbie swear loudly, moving in front of her.

"What is it?"

"I don't think that was just a lucky punch," he informed her, his face pale as he hurriedly dug his mobile out of his pocket.

Jackie looked down to see her blue shirt was stained red and that her hand was covered with blood, she touched the dampness gingerly and bit back a moan as a flash of pain rocketed through her. "He must have had a knife," she groaned.

Robbie's eyes stayed on her as he asked for an ambulance, hanging up he moved closer to her. "We need to put pressure on the bleed," he told her

"I know," she replied, suddenly feeling horribly shaky now that the adrenaline of the chase had worn off. "I think I'm going to sit down," she added quietly. Lowering herself to the ground she was slightly surprised to see Robbie do the same. "You don't have to, floor's freezing."

"Not my main concern just now," he replied, tugging her into his side as he pressed his hands firmly against the wound, causing her to wince. "Ambulance is on the way."

"You'll need to call the Boss."

He pulled a face. "He won't be happy."

"Some things never change," Jackie laughed lightly, shifting slightly when she realised that that just made the pain worse, she screwed her eyes shut as she tried to focus on something else other than the pulsating pain in her stomach.

Robbie shook her shoulder almost violently, his voice harsher than he intended he told her, "You need to keep your eyes open, Jackie."

Her eyes snapped open and she glared up at him. "I know, I only shut them for a second."

He let out a relieved sigh, "Sorry, you had me worried for a minute."

"I'll be fine," she assured him, squeezing his free hand.

Nodding, he replied solemnly, "Good because if you're not then the paperwork's gonna take me ages."

She slapped his hand in mock outrage. "Oh you're all heart."

Laughing against her hair, he tried to reign the panic he was really feeling under some form of control, he could feel his hands starting to tremble slightly as the moments passed and he still couldn't hear any sirens. "I'll kill the son of a bitch when I get my hands on him," he breathed out angrily.

Jackie shook her head, which if anything just increased the dizziness she now felt. "Don't you dare go off on one," she warned him. "He isn't worth it."

"Not sure how you're going to stop me on this one," he replied, although his tone was back to being light hearted.

"I'll find a way."

"You would," he snorted. He let out a sigh of relief as he heard the wail of sirens grow closer. "Thank God," he whispered.

She tilted her head so that she could look at him. "Sorry about your shirt," she mumbled noticing that it was stained red.

"I've got a ton of them, believe me it doesn't matter," he assured her. "I can replace the shirt."

"That very nearly sounded sweet, you'll need to watch that."

"Wouldn't worry, I'm sure I'll snap out of it soon."

* * *

"So what happened?" Burke asked, walking over to where Robbie was leaning against the wall, sipping at a cup of coffee.

"Guy gave me the slip, Jackie went after him and it turns out he had a knife." He shook his head angrily. "By the time I got there he was long gone."

"Wouldn't worry 'bout that," Burke informed him shortly. "Most of uniform is out looking for him, no-one's too happy about this. How is she?"

"Doctor's are in with her just now, she's conscious though and that has to be a good thing, doesn't it?"

Stuart nodded, his face pale as he tried not to look at the dried blood on Robbie's shirt, he replied, "Yeah, course it is."

Robbie gulped down the rest of his coffee and crushed the plastic cup in his hand. "Should never have let him catch me off guard," he grumbled.

"Happens to us all," Burke told him calmly. "We'll get him, don't you worry about that."

His eyes fixed on the door opposite, Robbie moved swiftly forward when the doctor stepped outside. Jumping in front of him, he asked, "How is she?"

The man blinked rapidly at his sudden appearance before recovering quickly. "You came in with Ms Reid?" he checked.

"Yeah, is she ok?"

He gave the group a reassuring smile. "She's doing well, she'll need surgery to repair some internal bleeding and we'll be taking her into theatre within the next half hour or so, but all her vital signs are stable and the damage caused by the knife doesn't seem to be substantial. You can go in and sit with her until the sugeons come to take her down if you want?"

Robbie smiled. "Thanks, Doc," he replied happily as he turned to head towards the door. Stepping inside he shot Jackie a cheeky grin. "Knew you were milking it, they've just told me you're fine."

Laughing slightly, she replied, "Fine you've caught me, I just wanted the rest of the day off."

He stepped over to her bed, noting that she looked slightly paler than normal, as he heard Burke's voice add, "Aye, well I'm sure I can find you plenty of overtime to make up for this."

"Oh joy," she drawled easily, moving to push a strand of hair out of her face, she frowned as the line of her IV hindered her movements slightly.

"Do you need anything from your flat? I can drop in and pick up anything you might need, drop it in later," Stuart offered.

Jackie smiled gratefully. "That would be helpful, my keys are in my desk."

"Did they say how long you're going to be stuck in here?" Burke asked.

She pulled a face. "At least overnight, I should get home either tomorrow evening or the morning after that."

"They might get fed up with you and kick you out even earlier," Robbie joked.

Shooting him a mock glare, Jackie shook her head at him just as an older woman in green scrubs stepped through the curtains, asking, "Are you ready to go, Ms Reid?"

Jackie nodded. "Why not, the conversation here isn't exactly world class," she smiled.

Robbie's smile fell as he realised they were taking her to theatre. "You want me to stay?" he asked quietly.

She shook her head, although she was touched by his concern. "No, I'll be fine, you should go and do some work for a change."

Burke snorted behind them. "And pigs might fly."

Grumbling at the insult, Robbie looked back at her. "Sure?"

"You'll just be sitting around waiting, look I'll be back before you know it."

"Fine," he finally replied, giving her hand a light squeeze. "I'll see you soon."

He watched as they wheeled her away, feeling strangely ill at ease, he turned when he felt Burke's hand on his shoulder. "Come on, no point in hanging about here, they'll phone when she gets out."

"Yeah," he nodded. "Yeah you're right."


	2. Grave

**Anything that is wrong in this chapter is down to me, I've tried to be as accurate as possible but feel free to correct me.**

**And the prompt Grave refers to the situation.**

**Some terms to help with the chapter, although you might not need them.**

**Malignant Hyperthermia: A rare reaction to anaesthesia that can result in muscle spasms, mottled skin, increased heart rate and alterations in rhythm, increased breathing rate, a rapid increase in temperature, high levels of potassium in the blood and can cause cardiac arrest and kidney failure. Treated by keeping the person well ventilated and sedated while trying to bring all these factors under control. It effects roughly 1 in 50,000 and can be genetic. Those who suffer from it can still be anaesthetised but there are certain drugs that can trigger it and these should and would be avoided if MH was either confirmed or suspected.**

**Tachycardia: increased heart rate**

**Bradycardia: the opposite, a low heart rate**

**Succinylcholine: A paralytic agent given during surgery. Less common now as it's a known trigger of MH but it works quickly and so is still sometimes favoured in emergency surgery.**

**Dantrolene: A drug that helps to reduce the impact of MH, sometimes has to be given in high doses to work.**

**Propofol: Commonly given as a sedative during surgery, although it is mostly famous for the death of Micheal Jackson. Depresses the respiratory system so should only be used in a medical setting.**

**Any other questions just ask :)**

* * *

_**Grave**_

"How bad is the bleed then?" Harry asked.

Maggie looked over at the anaesthetist. "It's not too bad, a small tear to the liver but apart from that's she's been pretty lucky. This shouldn't take too long to fix, how's she holding up?"

"She's a bit tachy," he admitted, frowning.

Maggie frowned in concern at that statement. "She was bradycardic before we got her in here, it was the fluids that were keeping her stable."

Harry nodded his acknowledgment her words and glanced over at the ventilator's readings. "Resp rate's up at 26, and C02 volume's up as well. I don't like this." He turned to look over at one of the junior doctors. "Lynne, double check her files for any drug allergies."

The young woman flicked quickly through the folder. "Nothing, no real previous medical history."

"She's never had a general before?"

"Nope."

"Shit!" He swore as the monitors began to beep as her heart and respiratory rate continued to climb. "I think she's having an allergic reaction."

Maggie's head snapped up. "You think it's malignant hyperthermia?"

"Well I did give her succinylcholine." He lifted the drape so that he could see one of Jackie's arms. "Muscles are rigid, we need to stop, now! And call down another anaesthetist and surgical team."

"Who do you want?" Lynne asked him, rushing towards the phone.

"Whoever's fucking available!" he snapped getting to his feet. "Get me dantrolene, we're going to need to put in a central line, I need blood gases done and check her temp."

"I can't stop!" Maggie protested. "We won't be able to put her back under until she's stable again, she'd run the risk of bleeding out and that's before you consider the fact that if this is MH then she's at an increased risk of internal bleeding anyway."

"Fine, but try and be as quick as you can, I'll need to give her propofol to deepen her sedation anyway, although I still don't want her on the table for too long." Harry replied. "What's her temp?"

"38."

"And it was normal before."

The nurse nodded. "It was sitting at just above 36."

"Right, we need to change the vent's tubing. Switch her to 100% oxygen and we'll start to hyperventilate her, Lynne I need you to administer that Dantrolene IV now, start with 1mg/kg. I'll change the vent settings." He turned to one of the nurses. "I need 500ml normal saline, if this is MH then she runs the risk of renal failure if we don't bump up her fluids. And someone check her temp again."

"39.6," someone yelled across to him.

"Get ice packs as well, try and cool her down."

Maggie looked up and swore. "Heart rate's up at 120."

"I only have so many hands!" he snapped back at her. "Where's that other team! And Lynne, propofol!"

"Sorry," the woman looked at him wide eyed as she ran to grab the white vial of liquid, just as a group pf people burst through the door.

"What do we have?" One of them asked.

Looks like Malignant Hyperthermia, I'm sorting the vent so I need someone to run an ECG, someone to put a central line in, a blood gas done, we need to get her temp down."

"Heart rates still climbing!" Maggie shouted across the chaos, "you need to giver her something for it now!"

"I think we should try Amiodarone first."

Harry nodded. "Just give the damn thing Lynne."

"Temps up at 41," one of the nurses called across.

"And blood gases showing elevated potassium levels and acidosis," someone else told him.

"Shit!" He swore. "Right is that central line in yet? We need to stabilise her and we need to do it now!"

* * *

Robbie lowered himself into the seat across from Ryan Phelps, glowering at him. "Anyone would think you were nervous."

He ran a torn sleeve across his face. "Look, I didn't touch that copper!" He told them, his hands shaking.

"Oh give over," Burke replied. "We found the knife on you, and I'll bet that it's covered in your prints and that the blood on the blade belongs to DS Reid."

Letting out a pained moan, he pressed his forehead against his hands, his feet drumming off the floor. "I need a hit, please you need to get me something."

"I don't think we do." Robbie told him, his lips curling in distaste.

"Look if I admit it will you give me something?"

"Why did you do it?" Robbie asked persistently as he leaned forward, his face flushed with barely repressed anger.

"I wanted to get away, I carry the knife for protection, I didn't think I just did it!" he insisted. "Now please!"

Robbie drew in a hiss of breath. "I think you'll find you'll be waiting for a while before we're able to find a doctor to administer it."

With that he stormed out of the room, Burke following after him. "DI Ross!" he snapped.

Robbie stopped and swung round. "What is it!"

Lowering his voice, Burke told him, "You need to calm down, we've got him, he's not going anywhere."

"Still can't believe this happened, Boss," he confided quietly. His face darkened with anger "He's not even bothered that he could have killed her."

"He didn't though, that's the important thing."

"Just…" Robbie shook his head. "I don't know," he growled in frustration.

Burke patted his shoulder. "Come on, I've got a bottle of scotch in my drawer, one wee nip won't do us any harm, we'll get Stuart to do any driving."

* * *

"Finished," Maggie informed them.

"Good."

"How's she holding up?"

Harry shook his head. "I've increased the tidal volumes on the ventilator and resp rate's fallen slightly but it's still sitting in the mid twenties, she's also still tachy and her temps sitting at 40 despite cooling her."

"We could up the Dantrolene again."

"Done it already," he told her grimly. Turning to the scrub nurse he asked, "Did you get an ICU bed arranged?"

"Yes, they're expecting her immediately post op."

"Good, we'll just need to keep her sedated and continue to treat. When she gets up there I want a repeat ECG to check that arrhythmia and run priority one bloods to check kidney function. I'll do the handover but make sure everything's in the notes." He got to his feet and asked. "We ready to go?"

"Nothing left to do on my side," Maggie told him. "I've got another procedure but I'll come up after that, check on her. Page me if there are any changes though."

"Will do."

* * *

"I have the feeling that Ryan Phelps will be taking a tumble down the station stairs at some point tonight," Burke commented lightly.

Stretching in the chair across from Burke's, Robbie murmured, "Won't that be unfortunate." He glanced down at his mobile as it began to ring, leaning forward his expression changed, becoming more serious "DI Ross," he answered calmly even though in reality he felt anything but. Every time his phone had went this afternoon, he'd been convinced that it was the hospital, he just wanted to hear she'd been given the all clear.

Leaning back in his chair he listened to the nervous sounding feminine voice on the other end. "DI Ross, I'm Lynne Graham, I was one of the doctor's treating Ms Reid-"

"How is she?"

"There were a few complication during surgery."

His voice took on a more urgent tone, "What kind of complications?" He saw Burke's head snap up, his eyes narrowing.

"If you'd like to come in then we can discuss the matter further."

"Is she ok?"

There was a long pause, before she finally answered, "We're managing the complications, but I really can't discuss the matter any further over the phone."

"I'll be right there," Robbie assured her. Hanging up he looked over at Burke, "Something's happened, they won't say what but they've asked me to go in."

"Stuart and I will come with you," he informed him shortly, only to find that Robbie was already racing out of the room.

* * *

They were shown into a waiting room, in which Robbie paced around in like a caged animal, while Stuart sat silently in the corner, twisting his hands and Burke's gaze switched between the two men, wondering who would break first.

It was Robbie. His hand slammed against the windowsill, he snapped loudly, "Where is everyone? They asked us to come in and now they've just left us here!"

"You need to calm down"

"Don't!" Robbie snapped, rounding on him. "What I need is to know what the hell is going on here!"

"Aye and you need to be calm enough to listen to what they're going to tell us."

Robbie scrubbed a hand across his jaw, his voice broke very slightly as he muttered, "How can she be in intensive care? They said she was going to be ok, said there wasn't any substantial damage, you heard them!"

"These things aren't always black and white," Stuart pointed out.

Rounding on him, Robbie snapped, "How the fuck is that helpful!"

Burke grabbed him by the back of his shirt and hauled him back, forcing him into a chair. "Don't take this out on Stuart," he warned him. "None of us wanted this to happen and we all want them to tell us that she's going to be ok. You having a temper tantrum is not going to help anyone, least of all Jackie."

Robbie nodded, having the decency to look slightly shamefaced as he did so. "You're right, I'm sorry Stuart."

"It's fine," the younger man mumbled in reply, returning his attention to looking out of the window.

After what felt like an age to all three men, the door opened and a tall balding man stepped into the room. He offered his hand to Robbie, shaking it as he introduced himself, "I'm Mr McDonald, I was the consultant anaesthetist on Ms Reid's operation-"

"How is she?" Robbie asked urgently. "We've not been told anything-"

"Did something go wrong?" Stuart asked.

Harry let out a deep breath. "The procedure itself to repair the damage caused by the knife was as straight forward as we had expected, the complications arose due an allergy to one of the drugs that were given as part of the anaesthetic. It's a rare reaction known as malignant hyperthermia, it can often be genetic but as we had no family history to go on we were caught off guard by it."

"Surely you can treat an allergy," Robbie pointed out hopefully.

"Yes, but this is a very severe reaction, it causes an increase in heart rate along with altering the rhythm of the heart, an increased breathing rate and a rapid climb in temperature. It also causes muscle spasms and can lead to kidney failure, internal bleeding or cardiac arrest. Now in Ms Reid's case we were able to catch it relatively quickly, but reversing the symptoms can prove difficult while the drug remains in her system. To treat this we've had to keep her sedated and ventilated as we need to keep her oxygen levels as high as possible to prevent any possible brain damage due to high CO2 levels in her blood. We're also still trying to bring down her heart rate and temperature, she's being closely monitored but it is possible that she could still suffer another relapse within the next 36 hours."

Robbie felt his face drain of all blood. "But will she be ok?" he asked.

"She's seriously ill, and as I said this is a rare reaction that we very rarely see so it's difficult to predict what is going to happen next and the effects have been known to last as long as twenty four hours, so we're in a very critical time period right now. I know that it's little comfort but we're doing absolutely everything that we can," he replied gravely.

"Can we see her?" Robbie asked.

"Of course, if you follow me through."

The three men trailed after him, Robbie in the front. He wasn't sure what he expected to see when he entered the room, but it wasn't what awaited him. He'd never thought he'd see the day when Jackie looked so weak, even a few hours ago when she'd been bleeding in his arms she'd still been joking and answering him back. Now though she was still, the only noise in the room coming from the constant whir of machines that surrounded her, wires everywhere, trailing out of almost every gap of the hospital gown she wore, a thin white sheet covering her up to the waist. Her face was flushed pink and the rest of her normally perfectly pale skin was a mottled hue and covered with a thin sheen of perspiration.

He went to step forward and paused, seeing his hesitation, Harry told him, "You can still talk to her, no-one really knows how much sedated patients can hear, so it could be helpful. The nurses can monitor her from the desk but they will need to move in and out of the room quite frequently."

"Can we sit with her for a while?" Stuart asked.

"Of course, you can stay as long as you want, we don't really follow normal visiting hours here, and she's in a single room so you won't be disturbing anyone."

Both Robbie and Stuart sat down, while Burke stood in the corner and dug his hands into his pockets. Robbie reached out his hand touching Jackie's arm lightly, feeling his chest constrict when he felt the intense heat that was radiating from her skin.

The ensuing silence was awkward, until finally Burke stepped forward, standing on the opposite side to the other two. "And I thought Robbie went to extreme lengths to avoid work," he finally remarked to her prone form.

The comment actually drew a smile from the two other men, although neither still knew what to say. A little while later, Burke pushed his hands into the small of his back and stretched. "I'm going to go, get some rest."

"I'll drive you," Stuart replied. "Robbie, you coming?"

"Um, no," Robbie finally replied. "Think I'm going to stay here for a bit."

"Ok, well call if you need anything or if anything changes," Burke told him.

"Will do, Boss," Robbie replied. He watched them go and leaned back in his seat, waiting, for what he didn't know but he didn't know what else he could possibly do."


	3. Moonlight

**Flashbacks are in italics :)**_**

* * *

**__****_

Moonlight

A couple of hours passed, the daylight fading fast only to be replaced by the bright artificial hue of the hospital lighting and still Robbie sat in silence, every so often reaching out to stroke his hand along Jackie's arm.

He looked up when the nurse stepped back into the room, she gave him a warm, sympathetic smile. "You can talk to her you know," she told him, as she leaned forward to take Jackie's temperature.

Robbie shrugged, telling her hoarsely, "I don't know what to say."

"Whatever you want," she replied. "You might feel a bit silly at first but you get used to it pretty quickly, some people find it quite cathartic."

He frowned down at Jackie's flushed face. "Not sure talking's going to fix anything here."

"Are you two close then?"

"Yeah," he admitted, a small smile tugging at his lips.

"How long have you known each other?"

"Twelve years." His smile widened. "No other woman's ever put up with me for so long."

The woman laughed lightly as she changed over the saline bag and began checking the settings on the various machines. "I'm sure you can't be that bad."

"No I am," he admitted wryly. "It's different with her though."

"But you're just friends?" she asked curiously.

"Yeah," he nodded. "Can't imagine my life without her."

The nurse paused in her task and looked up at him. "I know that in this environment it's difficult but thinking positively does help."

"I know that I shouldn't think like this, but I never thought that I'd see her like this."

"Maybe you need a break, sitting here for hours on end can be draining."

"Don't want to leave her alone."

"Well I need to change over her ice packs and make sure that she's comfortable and you'll need to leave the room for that anyway. So why don't you take a walk for twenty minutes or so and when you come back I'll make you a coffee."

Robbie got to his feet. "You don't have to."

"It's not any trouble, and I'll even give you the good stuff, none of that muck that comes out of the machines outside."

He smiled. "That would be great."

"Ok, well I'll see you soon," she replied, as she shut the door over behind him. He paused in the corridor, staring at the door for a moment. His feet felt glued to the floor, he still didn't want to leave her. Rocking forward for a minute he considered just sitting on one of the plastic seats that lined the walls, but he then decided that maybe he should stretch his legs.

His feet felt heavy as he trudged out of the unit and along the long, desolate corridor. He was unsure how long he walked for, but he soon found himself in a another corridor, although this one had a wall of windows that looked out onto Sighthill cemetery. Walking towards them, he leaned against them, staring out into the dark night.

The sight in front of him was undeniably eerie, the silver moonlight reflecting off the larger monuments. The continued silence seemed to echo around him, it was strange how much he missed her voice when there had been times where all he wanted to do was clamp his hand over her mouth to stop her from talking.

He smiled at the memory of her having a go at him, he always deserved it; although at the time that fact had just annoyed him even more. Leaning his forehead against his hand, he screwed his eyes shut, fighting for control. He was angry, more than angry, he wanted to hit something, wanted to yell and shout at how unfair this was. Part of him had considering going to the station and asking to see Ryan Phelps, he was sure he could cause some damge before they managed to pull him off. He quickly disregarded the idea, remembering Jackie's earlier warning, that and it would mean leaving her alone here.

Blinking his eyes open again he stared upwards at the moon, they'd spent a lot of nights together - although not in the way most people seemed to assume - and he's always thought that the night suited her. His eyes shut again as he drifted back in time.

_Her arm linked in with his, as she gave a slight shiver. "Sure you don't want that taxi?" he asked her._

"_No, the fresh air's a God send after that pub," she replied. Tilting her head upwards she stared at the sky and sighed softly. "Plus," she added. "It's such a nice night, the moon looks amazing."_

_He laughed. "You've definitely had too much to drink."_

_She slapped his arm. "You are such a cynic."_

"_It's a giant piece of rock," he pointed out. "It's not that special."_

_Shaking her head, she rolled her eyes although her smile stayed in place as she slipped her arm out of his and walked ahead of him. "I just pointed out that it looked good."_

_As she turned to face him again, he watched as the silver light bathed her delicately pale skin and danced across her shimmering dark hair. Picking up pace he caught up with her again and looped his arm around her waist deciding that the moon wasn't the only thing that looked good tonight._

He looked up once more, it was only now he realised that the night was very much like her, quiet and under-stated but when you looked at it properly you realised that it was something special. His eyes drifted along the Glasgow skyline once more, realising that between them they must know every inch of he city and yet it had never once been so desolate in his mind. With one last sigh he finally turned away.

The door to Jackie's room was open when he got back, the nurse leaning over a small table as she wrote, she glanced up at him and smiled in greeting, "Did you get some air then?"

He shook his head. "Just wandered."

"Well that's certainly easy enough to do here, I've always found this place a bit creepy at night though, I much prefer to stay where I am." She held out her hand. "I realised when you left that I'd forgotten to introduce myself. "I'm Mary."

He took the hand even though he wasn't in the mood for pleasantries. "Robbie," he muttered. Inclining his head towards Jackie, he asked, "How is she?"

"Her temperature's down a bit, which is a good sign and although her heart rate's still a bit high it's steady, which is a good thing."

"Good," he breathed out in relief.

Mary's eyes scanned over his face, he looked absolutely exhausted. She patted his arm. "I'll go get you that coffee I promised you, you sit down."

For once in his life Robbie did as he was asked without complaint or even pulling a face. He dropped back into the chair next to Jackie's bedside. Brushing his fingers over her hand he told her, "It's a full moon tonight, which means you've probably saved us from a night of chasing after a bunch of bampots. Although," he admitted heavily, "I'd actually rather we were out there for once, I think this is worse than any job I've ever been doled out. Sod that, I know it is. At least we always had the option of escaping to the pub before." He smiled. "You're always a lot harder to convince to actually slip away for a sly one than Stuart is though, always wanting to get the job done first…" he tailed off, unused to talking to her for so long without a reply of some sort.

"Here you go," Mary's cheerful voice floated into the room, as she handed him the warm cup.

"Thanks," he mumbled.

"Not a problem, if you need anything then you only need to ask."

"How do you do it," he blurted out. "Stay so upbeat when faced with this all the time." He nodded towards the machines.

She shrugged, straightening out a small crease in the thin bed sheet. "Because to see someone come back and get better makes it all worthwhile."

"You think she'll be alright?"

Mary frowned. "I can't answer that, but don't give up, she's fighting and her condition is improving. It'll be a long night for you though," she told him wryly.

"Should probably drink this then."

She nodded and smiled. "I'll be at the nurse's station, I'll be in and out quite a bit but keep talking to her. You were doing quite well before I interrupted you."

Robbie watched her go. She was right about one thing, he was about to face the longest night of his life.


	4. Promise

**Just a short chapter, the flashback is from wages of sin. I think, lol.

* * *

**

Promise

Robbie sipped slowly at his coffee, thinking back through the times he and Jackie had spent together, trying to find something he could talk to her about. It was surprisingly more difficult when he knew that she wasn't going to reply, meant all the onus was completely on him to carry the conversation. Staring blankly ahead of himself he let himself think back.

_As they walked away from the garage together, Jackie tutted under her breath and sighing softly turned to him, asking, "Promise me that if I die, you'll be more upset."_

_It was a serious question, but her tone was light, almost joking. He grinned across at her as they reached the car. "Upset? I'll be devastated, you'll have left me all alone with the Boss and Stuart."_

_She rolled her eyes at him, laughing quietly. It should have been an awkward moment, but it wasn't, they had skated across a sensitive subject without really divulging any real feelings on the subject. He should have been pleased._

Robbie swallowed his mouthful of coffee heavily, placing the mug onto the plastic wood-effect bedside locker. The liquid settling heavily in the pit of his stomach. He should have been pleased, in truth at the time he was, he'd never been one for making declarations and had often struggled with voicing his feelings. Now he was looking into the abyss though, it was completely different.

Leaning forward, he took hold of Jackie's warm hand and folded her fingers around his. "I don't know if you'll even remember this," he told her. "But years ago when we were on a case we went to break the news of this guy's death to his employer, and he just shrugged it off, wasn't bothered in the slightest. As we walked away from him you made me promise that if you…" He trailed off, unable to form the word. Coughing, he shifted in his seat and amended himself. "That if anything happened to you, I'd be more upset than he was. You were joking." He frowned. "At least I think you were and I didn't give you a serious reply. Things have changed now," he remarked wryly.

Breathing out deeply, he glanced down at her face and brushed a damp strand of hair away from her forehead. He knew that she was unconscious but admitting the feelings he'd kept buried after so long was still difficult for him. "Truth is, is that if you don't wake up, I have no idea what I'm going to do. I don't see Burke or Stuart putting up with me for very long, not without you there to read me the riot act. You've always been the one to tell me when I'm out of line, or acting like an ass."

His hand fell away from her face. "And it's not just that," he admitted heavily. "I don't want to lose you, you're the one person who understands me, who accepts my flaws…well most of them and you make me laugh. So I need you to wake up," he told her. "You surely don't want to be the reason I finally topple off the rails do you?" He grinned. "Mind you if I did that you'd no doubt come back to haunt me, and while I actually wouldn't mind that, I'd much rather have the real you and not some phantom version. So," he squeezed her hand, telling her determinedly, "You have to wake up, you don't get a choice, you just have to do it, ok?"

* * *

She could hear Robbie's voice, floating in and out through the haze that seemed to permeate every sense. She wanted - desperately - to open her eyes but it just wasn't happening, they felt glued shut and every limb was to heavy to lift up and every time she moved to take a breath a whoosh of air would fill her lungs until they felt like the would burst before finally abating.

Scrambling through her memories, she struggled to remember what had last happened, how the hell she'd ended up like this. Panic thrummed through her, when she felt him clasp her hand in his, anchoring her, pulling her back from the edge. His voice followed, deep and low, comforting and reassuring her. Not all his words broke through the haze, but just the fact that he was there helped her try and focus.

Another blast of air forced its way into her lungs and she wanted to cough but couldn't, so instead she forced herself to try and concentrate more on what Robbie was saying.

"_No idea…just that…lose you…haunt me…wake up…ok?"_

Was she dead? Was he talking to her body or grave and this was what death was? Her brain frowned (if that was even possible), no she couldn't be dead, he said wake up. Maybe she was unconscious, yes that must be it, whatever it was she didn't seem to have much control over it.

He kept talking as his hand stayed entwined with his, and for that she'd be eternally grateful because without it she was sure that she'd have gone mad by now.


	5. Annoy

**I know this chapter and the last one have been quite short, but there will be longer ones, I promise.**

**Would love to know what you think, and if anyone has any ideas for the more awkward quotes that they'd like to see then feel free to suggest :)**

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**Annoy**

Part of her found it strange how comforting she was finding him talking to her, holding her hand in his, slightly roughened fingertips brushing across her skin.

The reason she found it so strange was that usually he irritated her beyond belief. He had his good points of course, he was good looking, funny, charming, witty and although he sometimes hid it well, compassionate.

That being said he was also arrogant, moody, a tad unreliable and of course a hopeless womanizer. It was the last aspect that annoyed her the most, although his penchant for helping himself to any food she was eating came a close second.

Another large gust of air filled her lungs and she let herself be tugged back into her memories, because quite frankly it was less terrifying than focussing on the situation she currently found herself in.

"_Don't touch that," she snapped, batting his hand away as he attempted to grab the second half of her biscuit._

_He pouted. "Aw come on, Jackie, I'm hungry."_

"_There's some in the kitchen, it'll take you less than a minute to get your own," she pointed out._

"_They don't have any chocolate ones left, I checked."_

"_That doesn't mean that you can have mine," she laughed._

_He let out a huff of air and dropped down so that he was sitting on the edge of her desk. "Fine," he mumbled, not looking too happy at not getting his own way._

"_Do you have the file on Grant Harrow?" Stuart asked Jackie, his face leaning out from the side of his pc._

_She nodded. "It's in my drawer," she replied as she reached down to grab it. Only for Robbie to take advantage of the opportunity and grab the remnant of her biscuit. Jackie looked up to find him holding it and smiling at her triumphantly. She grumbled under her breath as she handed the file across to Stuart. "I don't believe you sometimes."_

"_What!"_

"_You just took it!"_

"_I need it, I skipped breakfast."_

_Stuart laughed from across the room. "Were you not able to convince last night's latest to make you something this morning."_

"_Breakfast wasn't the first thing on my mind, Stuarty boy" Robbie chuckled, swallowing the last of his prize._

_Jackie felt her stomach clench uncomfortably, the way it always did at the mention of his extra curricular activities, or when he came in wearing the same shirt as the day before. As much as she hated it, it was the one thing that always seemed to provoke the horrible and somewhat unusual feeling of jealousy in her._

_She wasn't sure what part of it irritated her more, the fact that he went out and had countless meaningless flings and then boasted about them to her, or the fact that it bothered her to this extent, even after having known him for all these years._

_Sometimes all she wanted to do was push her hand across his mouth, get him to stop talking about it, while the other side of her refused to let him know that it bothered her, and so far the latter side was winning. And so she smiled and laughed as she shook her head in mock dismay while she straightened his tie or commented jokingly on his crumpled appearance._

_Stuart's voice broke through her traitorous thoughts. "So will you being seeing this one again."_

_Robbie shrugged, "Dunno, don't want her getting too attached, she seems that type."_

"_Hmmm, how awful of her to have feelings," Jackie commented lightly, smirking up at him._

"_That's rich, coming from the resident ice queen," he teased._

"_Oh ha ha," she mumbled in reply, pretending that that comment didn't sting her, as though it wasn't akin to someone rubbing salt into an open wound._

"_Well," Stuart continued regardless. "If you've got nothing better to do, we're going to the pub later so you could join us."_

"_Might just do that," Robbie replied, jumping to his feet and brushing the crumbs off his shirt. "If I don't get a better offer of course."_

If she'd been able to, she would have frowned, she was pretty sure he had ended up coming to the pub even though he'd received a 'better' offer in the form of the young blonde turning up at the station offering to give him a lift home.

Further proof that she didn't always understand him, and that occasionally he actually did surprise her. Right now was case and point, he could be out enjoying himself, or even just sit at the office, working into the night as they'd often done in the past. Instead he was sitting with her, and although she was thankful that this one time he'd chosen her, she had to admit that she didn't quite understand it.

She obviously didn't have him as figured out as she thought, yet another factor that annoyed her.


	6. Blood

**Trying something slightly different with this chapter, actually this whole story is something new lol, so feel free to share any thoughts, good or bad :)****

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**Blood**

"This is weird," Robbie remarked, his thumb brushing lightly back and forth over Jackie's knuckles as he spoke. "For once you're the one left battered and bruised from work, normally it's you seeing to my scrapes."

His mouth twisted, "Although you've certainly taken this a step further than I ever have. To be honest I prefer the way it was, you fussing over me." He tried to smile but it looked more like a grimace. He nudged the edge of her hand slightly. "This is where you're meant to insert some witty comment about me, cut me down to size."

A long, low sigh escaped his mouth, he hadn't really expected a reaction but he still didn't like the fact that he hadn't got one, it felt wrong somehow. His fingers shifted on the bed sheet and then moved to curl around hers again. "I don't have your gentle touch and even if I did, I'd be hard pushed to try and fix this with our first aid kit. I mean I know I'm good but even I don't think I'm that good." His grip tightened. "Although if I could fix this then I would, you have to believe me."

Despite the seriousness of the situation, a smile tugged at his lips. "Do you remember the time that that wee Ned caught me one, sent me flying into that wall and you cleaned me up? It wasn't the first or last time but I just remember that one over the others. Not sure why."

"_Keep it on!" Jackie snapped at him. "You'll get blood on my upholstery."_

"_You're all heart," he muttered under his breath._

"_Well you would wind him up," she replied easily. "Now are you sure you don't want to get it checked out?"_

_He snorted. "I'm not sitting in a heaving A&E for hours on end just to get told to take a couple of painkillers."_

"_Suit yourself," she replied, rolling her eyes at his stubbornness._

"_Anyway we have a first aid kit back at the office, you can clean me up."_

_Her eyes drifted away from the windscreen for a brief moment so that she could shoot him an incredulous look. "Oh can I now?" she half laughed._

"_Yeah." He winced as shifted, the wad of tissue he'd pressed against his forehead moving slightly as he did so, irritating the cut. "You can do your Florence Nightingale Act, don your nurses outfit."_

"_Are you sure you don't have concussion?"_

"_Positive."_

"_Right we're here, get out and we'll sort out your head…well," she grinned, "the cut anyway."_

"_Funny," he muttered as he followed her up the stairs to their office in the manner of a sulky teenager._

"_Sit," she told him, patting the edge of her desk since hers was closest to the door and her drawer contained the first aid kit._

_He watched her as she reached in and grabbed it easily. "You're far too organised," he muttered aloud._

_She glanced up at him. "Would you rather I spent ten minutes rummaging for it amongst a pile of old papers, pens and whatever other old crap similar to the stuff in yours."_

_His reply was nothing more than a grumble. He winced as she pried the tissue away from his forehead, watching her carefully, noting the way her nose wrinkled ever so slightly as she examined it. He felt his breath catch as she reached over her hands lightly gripping the sides of his face, tilting his head downwards so she could examine the cut in more detail, and he watched as the action caused her blouse to tighten across her breasts. He heard her tut, and without moving his eyes, asked, "That bad?"_

"_It needs cleaned, has bits of tissue paper stuck in it."_

"_Uh huh."_

"_Oh and Robbie?"_

"_Yeah?"_

"_Get your eyes up, they're about to bore a hole in my chest."_

_He pulled a disappointed face. "Well if you're going to put them right in front of me."_

"_Get a grip, Robbie, they're hardly on a plate." With that she yanked his head upwards, grinning as he rubbed at his chin, grumbling his protests under his breath._

_Her eyes travelling back to the cut, she opened a pod of saline and began cleaning it gentle, stepping further between his open legs as she did so, leaning closer into him. He tilted his head so that he could see her face, watch the concentration that flickered across it as she worked. Could smell the faint trace of her perfume on her skin. _

_As her head tilted to the side he ran his eyes down the exposed skin of her pale throat, he'd always admired her perfect complexion and the way her skin always looked as though it felt like silk. He tore his eyes away, this was leading to dangerous thoughts. Looking back up at her face, he cleared his throat and asked, "So will I live?"_

"_I would say so," she smiled. "Going to put some strips across it just in case, hold it together and help it heal."_

"_I think you missed your calling," he smiled._

"_You should be grateful that I did, what would you do without me?" she replied, her fingers smoothing down the sticky strip._

_He laughed. "I really don't know," he replied. She went to step back, her foot catching on something as she moved and she stumbled slightly. He reached out to steady her, hands catching her by her hips. "Careful."_

"_Bloody cheap carpets," she muttered as her gaze swept over his face, checking her handiwork. "Well it's not going to ruin your looks," she told him confidently, and tapping his hands so that they fell away from her hips, she stepped away from him and began tidying away._

His smile widened, his eyes sparking slightly. "Actually I know full well why I remember it," he admitted. "You were so close and I don't know it felt…right." His hand squeezed her fingers lightly as he continued almost regretfully, "And you weren't affected by any of it." He brushed his hand across her forehead. "You're always so composed," he whispered to her. "Part of your charm."

* * *

He was wrong, she remembered that moment well and it had affected her, being so close to him, almost trapped by him and the oddest part had been that she hadn't felt smothered, hadn't wanted to run away, in fact if anything she'd wanted to get closer to him.

_She was trying to focus on the cut, but to do so she'd had to step into him, invading his personal space, not that he was bothered. She could smell the soap off his skin, mingled with something that was just him, her fingers brushing across the stubble of his chin as she tilted his head so she could get a closer look._

_His eyes were staring and slightly glazed over, probably plotting something, she decided. She might have caught him staring at her chest only seconds earlier but that was just him, he'd pretty much stare at anything female with a pulse, was probably already thinking of someone else. _

_Trying to ignore the sensation of butterflies that was building in her stomach as she cleaned his warm skin and they way his chest brushed hers as he shifted in his spot on the desk, she attempted to concentrate on the job at hand. In fact she was undeniably grateful when he asked, "So will I live?"_

"_I would say so," she replied, smiling at his jokey tone, even though earlier when she'd heard his head clunk off that wall she'd wanted to scream, the sound still reverberating through her head even now._

_She indulged in a few more moments of cheeky banter before she tried to step away from him, put a little distance between them. Then her stupid heel caught on the ribbing of the cheap blue carpet and she stumbled. Firm hands gripped her hips, and she swallowed heavily at the touch, thinking how if this one little touch from him had this effect on her then she desperately needed to get out more. Trying to keep her cool, she told him, "Well it's not going to ruin your looks." If anything it simply added to the air of danger that surrounded him, and simply increased his charm. Swallowing heavily once again, she tapped the hands that felt as though they were burning her and stepped out of his hold, turning her attention to tidying her desk until she saw him move away out of the corner of her eye._

If she could have, she would have laughed at the irony. He thought she was composed and yet he made her feel anything but, strange that. He was still talking to her, and her thoughts somewhat lighter now, she let herself be lulled into something approaching peace as his low voice continued its monologue.

* * *

"Once this is over," he told her. "We go back to the way we usually do things, I'll take the hits and you help clean me up, because I sure as hell can't sit through this again."


	7. Share

**Share**

Harry McDonald glanced up from the chart he was reading. "So temp's down to 39, heart rate's steady and resp rate's down?"

Mary nodded. "Yup, she's doing well. Any last instructions before you go?"

Stifling a yawn the older man nodded, rubbing at his chin. "Yeah, decrease her Dantrolene by half." He grabbed a pen and amended her drugs chart. "We'll keep her on the vent and sedated overnight just to be on the safe side and then hopefully we should be able to bring her round in the morning." Handing over the chart he added, "If her condition changes page the on call anaesthetist right away and call me at home."

Mary's eyebrows shot into her hairline. "You sure?"

"Absolutely, never seen a case of this before and I want to make sure we get her through it."

"Fair enough," Mary shrugged, her eyes scanning down the scrawl of notes he'd just written down, inwardly tutting at his handwriting as she sipped at her mug of coffee. She looked up to see he was shrugging on his jacket and she smiled at him pleasantly. "Have a good night."

"You too," he replied, nodding curtly as he exited the ward.

Shaking her head, Mary turned her attention to her colleague Angela and flashed the chart at her. "You'd think one of the requirements of being a doctor would be to write properly. I have to squint to make half of that out."

Angela laughed lightly. "His isn't even the worst, and face it you do have the most interesting case one the ward."

"Yeah, which no-one here has ever seen before, so everyone's just playing it by ear." She shook her head. "Which is always fun." She rolled her eyes.

Tilting backwards on her seat, away from the computer screen she'd been staring at as she'd silently willed the blood results to appear on screen, Angela peered towards the single room. "Who's in with her?" she asked. "Husband?"

"Nope, think she's divorced. He's just a colleague apparently."

"You don't sound convinced."

Mary grinned. "That's because I'm not." Her smile softened slightly. "It's quite sweet really, he's barely left her side."

"Just means he's under your feet all night."

She shrugged. "I don't mind, it's worse when no one cares."

"Very true." Angela whacked the keyboard, muttering, "Stupid machine."

"While you're waiting for that to load, you fancy checking this Dantrolene with me?"

Pushing herself up from her seat, Angela nodded. "Course." She whirled the drugs sheet to face her. "Right, go for it," she told her.

* * *

Rubbing at his eyes, Robbie blinked blearily, it wasn't even that late and yet he was more exhausted than he thought he'd ever been. The bleeping of the machines echoing around his head and only seemed to magnify the already stifling silence in the room. He glanced up when he heard footsteps approaching, attempting to smile when Mary walked into the room. "Do you need me to leave?" he asked.

She shook her head, noting how even as he asked his hand stayed clasped over Jackie's and he made no attempt to move. "No, you're ok, I'm just changing over one of the syringe drivers."

"Ok," he nodded, his eyes drifting away from hers again.

"How are you?" she asked him quietly, dragging his attention back to her.

Robbie shrugged. "Not sure," he replied. "Not used to having her not reply to me." A wry smile tugged at his mouth as he glanced down at Jackie's face again. "She'd have come back with some comment by now."

Clicking the syringe into place, Mary sat down on a high stool that was perched by the side of the wall. "Tell me about her."

"What?" Robbie looked away from Jackie frowning slightly.

Mary shrugged. "Well I don't know anything about her and I'd like to."

For a moment Robbie sat in silence, he'd never really sat and extolled Jackie's virtues before, although he often admired them silently. "She's stubborn," he finally started. "Really, really stubborn, although normally if she digs her heels in then she ends up being right;. Which is just the most irritating part. She doesn't lose her temper easily but when she does you wouldn't want to be on the receiving end." He lifted Jackie's hand from the bed. "But she'll do anything for her friends, the amount of times she's pulled me out of scrapes. She's funny and witty, always has a comeback…" he trailed off. "Sorry, must be boring you."

"Not at all," Mary smiled at him. "But you're just friends?" she asked, repeating her question from earlier on in the night.

"Uh huh," he nodded.

Mary's eyes widened, she had walked past the room several times in the last couple of hours since her shift started and heard him talk to her and she simply didn't believe that there wasn't more to this. "Do you want some more coffee?"

"Yeah, why not," Robbie replied.

"I'll get you some."

"Thank you."

"Not a problem." She flashed him a smile.

"Can I ask you something?" he asked as she turned to leave the room.

"Of course, ask away."

"You changed stuff over there, is that good or bad?"

"We're decreasing the dosage of one of the drugs she's on since she's responding well."

He let out a small sigh of relief. "So good then."

"We're still playing by ear but everyone is pleased with her progress."

"Good," Robbie muttered. "Good."

"I'll go get you that coffee," she smiled.

As her footsteps reverberated around the darkened hallway as she walked away from the room, Robbie tightened his grip on Jackie's hand. "Should have known you'd be fine, you're too damn stubborn to give up." His hand tightened on hers. "Never thought I'd see the day that I was grateful for that trait, but here we are."


	8. Appreciate

**I didn't actually have this prompt planned, Undecided was meant to up next but then this popped into my head and I decided to go with it. Hopefully it won't affect the flow of the rest of the story.**

**As always, would love to know what you think :)**

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**Appreciate**

"_But you're just friends?"_

"_Uh huh."_

The words stayed almost glued in her head, they were just friends she thought almost bitterly. She was his pal, good old dependable Jackie, there no matter what. To be honest the bitterness she felt towards that statement surprised her, because she knew she should appreciate the fact that he'd stayed, the fact that he was holding her hand and hadn't left her side. And in all fairness part of her did.

The problem was the small niggling voice in the back of her head, the one that she couldn't drown out by focussing on something else, mainly because there was precious little else she could do right now apart from lie there thinking. The voice that told her that she'd never be anything more than a friend to him and that she'd spent a good portion of her life loving a man who didn't see her in that light at all. Yes she'd had relationships during that time, but the men had a hard enough time competing with her career without adding in the fact she was secretly head over heels about the feckless DI.

It wasn't fair; to her or to the men she tried to settle down with to try and move on with them. She'd never really thought about it at such length before, but now, lying here with only him by her side she realised how much life was passing her by.

It shouldn't be like this, it was never supposed to have worked out like this. She'd always assumed in her younger days that she'd be settled by now, with someone who loved her unconditionally and without restraint, who saw her, flaws and all but loved her regardless. The only part Robbie fulfilled of that was that he could see her flaws, and had just oh so charmingly rattled them off, he was lucky she couldn't slap him. She'd been so annoyed that the rest of his words had blurred into insignificance.

She sighed inside her head, she shouldn't be thinking like this, she was meant to be appreciative of the fact he'd stayed, because if he hadn't then she'd have been stuck here by herself and with no clue of what was going on around her.

Still her life had to change after this, she couldn't spend the rest of her - or more likely his - career silently fantasising about what could be if he opened his eyes to her. It wasn't going to happen. She'd had enough, enough of the lonely nights, enough of feeling like she'd been kicked whenever she saw him with some young blonde, just enough.

She could live with being his friend, his mate, his friendship meant a lot to her, but she had to have something more in her life, that she knew.

What she still didn't understand however was why he was still sitting here, as thankful as she was for it. Surely he had better things to do with his night, maybe it was panic, she thought. After like he pointed out earlier, she held him back and helped clear up his mess when his temper got the better of him. She doubted anyone else would do the same. Her heart sank slightly as she wondered if that was why he'd stayed, to make sure she was ok so that he could ensure that his life could continue along the same track as it always had.

* * *

Robbie leaned forward in his chair, his eyes scanning Jackie's face anxiously. For one brief moment he thought he'd seen her frown, although in hindsight it had probably just been the shadows of the room playing across her face.

He sighed, slumping back in his seat. He knew that they were keeping her sedated but that didn't stop him wishing she'd open her eyes, if only just for a second. Running the hand that wasn't covering hers over his unshaven jaw he wondered how much longer he could do this for. He hated seeing her like this, this wasn't his Jackie. He blinked rapidly and shook his head, she wasn't his, had never been his, where the hell had that thought come from?

Shaking his head again, he gulped down a mouthful of now lukewarm coffee, from sleep deprivation was most probably the answer to that. Yes they flirted, but one of them would always back away before it could go the step further. They were friends and he accepted it, although part of him was slightly miffed by the fact that unlike every other woman he'd turned on the charm with she hadn't fallen at his feet.

His resulting smile was somewhat grim, in the years that had passed since they'd met he'd learned -or at least thought he'd learned - to appreciate what he did have of her, her friendship. If that was all he got then he could live with it, it was the losing it that terrified him beyond belief.


	9. Undecided

**In real time, the next few chapters which play out in Jackie's mind actually take place over a couple of minutes.**

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**Undecided**

The problem with letting go, Jackie mused, was that you had to want to take that final step, and she'd never been sure that was what she wanted. To make that finally break and close her mind to the possibility that something might eventually happen between her and Robbie.

She thought she'd done it once, thought that when she'd decided to marry Brian that her feelings for Robbie would dissipate, that such a final act would force all the flirting, the looks they shared to end.

It hadn't worked like that, hadn't been nearly as simple. If anything in the days leading up to her wedding it had been worse and she'd been left feeling rattled and unsure by her feelings. All because of one stupid dance.

_The club was dark, even in the daylight, dark wood combined with heavy colours saw to that. The air was musky and still held the lingering hint of cigarette smoke. It was strange, the place should have been oppressive but it wasn't. _

_Their footsteps echoed on the parquet flooring as they looked around finding no signs of anyone else there. For the briefest moment Jackie was sure she could feel Robbie's eyes watching her. She walked towards him, although her head still turned away from his, as her eyes scanned over the somewhat dingy façade of the club._

_He moved so quickly that she didn't see his next move coming, his arm firmly secured around her waist and her hand enclosed in his before she had the chance to react. A surprised and somewhat undignified squeak escaping from her, even as her own arm slipped around his waist in what she told herself was an attempt to secure her balance. _

_That was when she realised just how tightely pressed together their bodies were, chests pressed together and she found herself somewhat breathless as she felt the heat from him seep through his clothing. It felt as though it were burning her._

_Her eyes scanned his face, looking for his tell tale smirk, the gleam in his eyes, anything to tell her that this was yet another one of his wind-ups. But neither were present, in fact his face was uncharacteristically serious, his eyes never once leaving her face._

_She wasn't sure if it was this that surprised her most or if it was the fact that he could actually dance as he led her smoothly around the floor._

_At one point they were so close that there was only mere centimetres between them and her breath caught in her throat before he leaned her back and spun her around. The move caused another note of surprise to escape her lips, although she found that she wasn't quite able to tear her eyes away from his._

_She could feel the dance was moving towards its end and she was proved right when he dipped her. He was still staring at her, his eyes didn't move away from her face, his gaze felt as though it was burning through her. The arm around her waist was heavy yet comforting, and combined with the way he was looking at her so intensely was causing her stomach to flutter and dip._

_For once she could think of nothing to say, was completely stunned into silence as they stared at each other, it couldn't have been more than a few seconds before a male voice broke the spell. Although she was slightly concerned by the fact that she had no idea of what he actually said._

_Robbie whipped her upright again so quickly that the pleasant feeling her stomach turned into a somewhat uncomfortable swooping sensation. His hands moving away from her form the very second she was steadily placed on her feet. She turned and saw out of the corner of her eye that Robbie was standing mutely, rubbing at his chin awkwardly. She babbled out their reason for being there, although even to her own ears she was slightly breathless and she felt unusually warm, she could only hope she didn't appear as flustered as she felt._

_He only stood there for a minute, but it felt like forever before he turned and left. The minute she did, she turned to look at Robbie in shock, he simply looked at her, his eyes looking over her as he stayed silent. She had no idea what to say, and it seemed as though he was having the same problem. The problem of having to say anything at all was neatly and quickly solved when they heard the yell of horror emanating from the back room._

_The next hour or so passed in somewhat of a blur for Jackie, the discovery of Jim Redpath's body meant that she and Robbie had no time to talk, although part of her wasn't sure she wanted to bring it up. He seemed completely and utterly unaffected by what had transpired between them after his initial reaction when they were interrupted._

_The moment she could, she stepped away from the chaos that accompanied the finding of a body and headed outside. Almost falling against the wall, she let out a low shaky breath. She couldn't stop reliving those moments when she was in his arms, it was like a video playing over and over again in her head and she couldn't stop it. _

Looking back on it now, she realised that she never should have married Brian when she felt that way about someone else. Even on her wedding day he'd occupied her thoughts.

_They were late, both Robbie and Michael arriving midway through the ceremony looking somewhat harassed. She simply smiled and shook her head in amused resignation as she turned to look back at a beaming Brian._

_The registrars voice asked gently, "Do you, Jacqueline Reid take this man, Brian Holmes as your lawfully wedded husband, forsaking all others?"_

_Her words hung in the air, time seemed to stretch out for her, and she couldn't help but look towards the balcony to where Robbie was leaning against the balustrade, watching her._

_Part of her recognised this as her way of telling him that it was him she was turning away from, him she was forsaking, while the other part wanting him to say something even though she knew that he never would._

_Tearing her eyes away from Robbie's solemn face, she looked back towards an oblivious Brian as she finally replied quite firmly, "I do."_

_She didn't look back up at him after that, and very quickly pulled herself together for the rest of the service. She was married, it was over._

Except it hadn't been, at least not for long, maybe for a few months while she and Brian had been in the honeymoon period of their relationship they hadn't strayed beyond the realm of friendship. But slowly and surely as her marriage disintegrated they'd turned back to their previous game of flirtation and teasing, whilst never actually moving onto anything serious.

The very thought of the nature of their 'relationship' made everything hurt. She'd tried to deny her feelings, tried to move on and it never worked because her feelings for him remained despite it.

The reality of it hurt so much that she felt almost winded, as though the gusts of air that had been plaguing her before simply weren't enough anymore.


	10. Death

**Death**

Her thoughts had taken a morbid turn, something that very rarely happened to her, and yet right now she wasn't quite able to stop herself from drifting down this pathway.

_Langbank had always been eerie, had always had a somewhat dark, almost evil feel to it. Although in fairness that probably had quite a lot to do with the number of bodies that she'd seen washed up there. She'd never expected it to be looking for Michael here though._

_Her shoes slipped slightly in the grey gunk and she felt Robbie's arm reach out to steady her. Her eyes fixed onto the stark white sheet in front of her, although considering the contrast between that and the ground she couldn't really miss it. Crouching down, her hands trembled as she reached out for the sheet._

_As her fingers curled around the edge, her last thought was that it couldn't possibly be him, because for him to end up like this was wrong. He didn't deserve it._

_Folding the sheet back, she felt her heart break when she saw his features, they were bloated from the water but it was him. His fair hair streaked through with muck and twigs stuck to his face. She swallowed heavily, trying and failing to hold back her tears. Michael had always taken care in his appearance, was always neatly turned out, never appeared looking crumpled or messy, so to see him like this only served to hurt her even further._

_Her hand was shaking as she reached out and brushed the sticks out of his damp hair, making him look ever so slightly neater, not that the small gesture made her feel any better._

_Unable to see him like this anymore, she let the sheet fall back into place and got slowly to her feet. She wiped at her tear stained cheeks with the back of her hand, she couldn't stand here any longer. _

_Keeping her head down, she walked away, she could hear that Robbie and Stuart were following her but she just couldn't turn round to face them. Locating the nearest seat, she dropped onto the hard wooden bench before her legs gave way. She shut her eyes, trying to rid herself of the image of Michael lying there in the mud, although she was sure that the image was burned onto her eyelids and that whenever she shut her eyes from now on that would be all she'd be able to see._

_Robbie sat next to her with a heavy sigh, his hand reaching out and covering hers. She blinked her eyes open, part of her wanted to lean into him, take some of the support he was quietly offering her, while the other part just wanted to be left alone. She wanted to scream out loud, she couldn't believe that this was how it ended, Michael deserved so much better than to be talked about as a suicide. She could picture the newspapers now, a corrupt cop who'd cracked under the pressure of an investigation and taken his own life. A small noise of despair escaped from her, that wasn't what he was, he'd been one of the best men she'd had the privilege to work with, even if he had bugged her at times with his straight laced ways._

_She shook her head, it was difficult to even contemplate that she'd never speak to him again and she knew that that missed call from him would forever haunt her. What if she'd had her phone on her, would she have been able to stop this from happening? _

_He'd been her closest friend for a while now, unlike with her other close friends he understood the nature of her job and why it wasn't always possible for her to keep plans that had been made. They'd been through so much together, she wasn't sure she could picture her life without him there. _

_Looking up, she saw Burke approach them, and she felt Robbie give her hand an encouraging squeeze, and for the briefest of moments she squeezed back in a silent thank you._

It had said a lot about the state of her marriage that even at that stage it hadn't been Brian supporting her, it had been Robbie. Brian had quickly tired of her grief, hadn't quite been able to understand why she found it difficult to move on, or her tirade at him when he'd announced he wouldn't be going to the funeral with her.

Robbie on the other hand had stood by her, he very rarely spoke about Michael but his presence and understanding had been enough. She was pretty sure that if it hadn't been for him she would have turned her back on her job, but then now that she thought about it, she might have accused him in the past of not really being there for her but when it mattered he always was.

_The service had finished and yet still she stood there. People mumbled somewhat awkward condolences as they passed her and she nodded her acknowledgement. Part of her wanted to laugh at how on edge they were, she supposed no one knew what to say to the ex wife who'd lost her husband._

_Slowly but surely the crowd died away, no doubt heading for the wake she'd organized for him. She still stood there though, watching the white puffs of air that her breath formed in the freezing air, her eyes fixed on the coffin._

_It sounded awful, but she hadn't expected this to hurt as much as it did. She and Brian had been separated for almost as long as they'd actually been married when he'd contacted her. Her thumb rubbed against the tips of her fingers as she fidgeted, she'd accepted a long time ago that although she'd loved Brian, marriage between them had been a mistake considering that neither of them had ever been willing to compromise. In the end it had been this lack of an understanding between them that had led her to ask him for a divorce. Even now she could still see the shock written on his face, until he eventually realised that she wasn't backing down. It had helped of course that London was still calling him and so he'd done as she'd expected and chased his career ambitions rather than really try to convince her to stay with him._

_She still felt his loss deeply though, had hated seeing the strong, determined man she'd loved weaken to the point he'd been unable to do the simplest of things for himself. And even though she'd resented the fact he'd made her keep his condition quiet, meaning she'd carried that particular burden alone, she could understand why he didn't want the people he'd worked alongside to know, could understand why he didn't want their pity._

_When he'd finally slipped away, she felt worse than she'd ever imagined she would, realised just how much he'd meant to her, even if they'd been somewhat mismatched. And she knew that he loved her, knew that he regretted letting her go, he'd told her as much. She knew that when he'd suggested the idea that maybe if he'd put his career second instead of her, then they'd still be together he'd been looking for her absolution, and she'd tried to give him that. But she hadn't wanted to tell him that maybe if he'd been there more then maybe it would have worked, it wouldn't have helped. Her forehead creased into a frown, then again maybe some relationships just weren't meant to be, it was too confusing right now, her head was spinning._

"_Bloody freezing," came Robbie's mumble from behind her._

_Jackie jumped slightly, she'd been so engrossed in her thoughts that she hadn't realised that he was there. "You been there the entire time?"_

"_Yeah." He moved beside her. "Although you've only been standing here for a couple of minutes."_

"_Really? Feels like longer," she noted._

"_The cold has that effect."_

"_Thought you'd have been propping up the bar by now," she told him, finally glancing over at him._

_He shrugged, a slight smile present as he replied, "Plenty of time for that, you can help me if you want. I think it's pretty much a given that the ex wife causes a scene at these things."_

_A light laugh escaped her despite herself. "I'm meant to be hosting it, I can't really get pissed and fall over."_

"_Says who?"_

"_Decency."_

"_Overrated." He told her._

_She smiled, before sighing softly as she looked back towards Brian's open grave._

_Robbie eyed her carefully. "You alright?"_

"_Just fantastic," she muttered._

_He shuffled slightly closer to her, turning her to face him and pulling her into a hug. She instantly wrapped her arms around him, pressing her face against his shoulder as she fought back tears. It was so unfair, it shouldn't have happened, she shouldn't need to stand here again and mourn the life of someone she'd loved who'd died to soon._

_After a few moments she felt a bit more composed , and she pulled back slightly. "Better?" he asked lowly._

"_A bit," she replied honestly._

"_Good." He kept one arm around her as he followed her gaze back towards the grave. "He was a good guy," he finally offered quietly._

_She smiled softly. "I know."_

"_He was lucky to have you."_

"_You think?" she asked._

_Robbie nodded. "Definitely," he replied firmly._

"_I'm actually glad that I was there," she confided in him. "At first I didn't want to be…but now…I can't explain it but…" she trailed off._

"_You don't have to explain it," he told her. His arm tightened on her shoulder. "Now come on, lets get to that bar. I'll get the first lot in."_

"_It's an open bar," she told him._

"_The best kind of bar then." _

_Her smile deepened. "Thank you," she replied, squeezing his hand._

_He looked over at her, confusion evident in his brown eyes. "What for?"_

"_Just for making me feel better."_

"_That's what friends are for, isn't it?"_

"_Yeah…but still."_

_They drifting into a comfortable silence as they headed back to the car, his arm around her the entire way back._

She'd lost so many people over the years and he'd been there for the hardest two, his support making it almost bearable. Still it was like the very memory of them still hurt, she felt worse than she'd ever felt before. Her limbs ached and she was too warm, her heart seemed to race as she struggled to pull in enough air to keep going.

The hand that had been holding hers was gone, as was his voice. She felt fuzzy and light-headed and then everything stopped, the pain, the doubt, everything. It all just faded away.


	11. Fear

**Fear**

He'd drifted off to sleep, even though it wasn't that late the events of the day had taken their toll and combined with the quiet, rhythmic beeping of the machines it lulled him into a sense of security.

As he slumped back in his chair, his hand slipped from hers, his head falling to his shoulder, the high back of the chair the only thing that stopped him from toppling sideways. He wasn't asleep for more than about ten minutes when he heard the beeping turn somewhat erratic as it picked up in volume as well.

He jumped awake, leaning forward his eyes scanned over her worriedly. "Jackie?" Her face was pink and flushed, her chest heaving rapidly up and down as the machines nearly screeched around her. Looking up at her monitor, he could see the number that indicated her heart rate was climbing rapidly.

Mary ran in the door, accompanied by two other members of staff. "Call the medics and grab some more ice packs and her drugs kardex," she told one, who ran out of the room.

"What the hell's going on?" Robbie asked anxiously.

Mary glanced up from Jackie, telling him, "You're going to have to wait outside."

She nodded towards the other member of staff who stepped forward. "Come on I'll show you where you can wait."

He shook his head. "I don't want to wait somewhere else, I want to know what's happening!" he snapped.

"The doctors are on their way, we're going to need room and so you can't stand there," she replied firmly. "When we know what's happening someone will come talk to you."

Robbie felt the other woman tug gently at his arm, and with one last anguished look in Jackie's direction, he followed her from the room, passing a running group of medics in the corridor. The last thing he heard before he was led into the small relatives room, was the sound of a sharp alarm and someone yelling, "Grab the crash cart."

He felt the older woman almost flinch next to him at that. "It's not good, is it?" he asked her blankly.

She patted his arm gently. "Lets not jump to any conclusions. Now do you want any tea or coffee?"

"Sure," he replied. He didn't really want anything but he wanted to be left alone.

"I won't be long," she told him.

The door shut with a low thud and he was left alone in the silence of the room, with nothing but his thoughts. For a moment he simply stared at the threadbare carpet before he got to his feet and walked over to the window.

He looked out into the dark, although he couldn't see anything but his own reflection. His head fell forward against the cold glass, he couldn't believe this. She couldn't leave him like this. He'd never been so terrified in his entire life, he'd really began to think that she'd be ok. This was turning him inside out, he couldn't picture his life without her in it and now…now there was a high chance that he was going to lose her and he just couldn't deal with it.

Sighing deeply, he saw his breath cloud the window and he realised that he loved her, not in the way you'd love a friend - although he considered her his closest - but in a way that almost ate away at him. He loved everything about her, the good and the bad. He'd denied it for so long and yet he knew that if she… if she…he shook his head, he couldn't even think the words. But the idea of her never knowing how he felt, felt like a knife being twisted in his chest.

He wasn't entirely sure when he'd started loving her, but he'd always been to afraid that if he told her she'd reject him and he'd lose her friendship. Now though, the thought of that wasn't nearly as bad as the thought that he'd been too cowardly to tell her, that he'd never even given them a chance.

The door creaked open and he turned to see the woman shooting him the smallest of smiles as she set down a tea set on the small table. He stared at it, stepping forward slightly, his eyes transfixed on it. Every cup matched and none of the cups were stained or chipped, they had a similar set down at the station which was only ever brought out for the families of victims when they came in to identify the body.

It was an omen of bad news, and he felt like his legs were about to give out when he saw it. "How is she?" he croaked out.

The woman's eyes twitched slightly before she replied, "The team is still with her, they'll do everything possible."

Robbie gave a curt nod before turning away. He couldn't look at that damn set, it felt like it was mocking him. "Look…I appreciate what you're trying to do…but I want to be alone just now," he told her quietly.

"Ok, well I'll have someone come and talk to you as soon as they can."

"Thank you." He could see her reflection in the window and watched as she left the room. Digging his hands into his pockets, his fingertips brushed against the cell phone in his pocket and he briefly wondered whether he should call Burke and Stuart now. After a moment's thought he shook his head. Calling them made it seem as though he'd accepted what was going to happen, and he couldn't do that, and even if he did call them he wasn't sure if he'd even be able to get the words out. Even just the thought of sitting there, in silence with them just didn't appeal, after all it wasn't as though any of them would actually be able to do anything. It was a sobering thought that he couldn't change what was going to happen, that nothing he could do would change the outcome, because he'd do anything to try and save her.

Moving back to the window, his fingers curled around the windowsill as he stared into his own blank eyes.


	12. Life

**This chapter is a little different and may not be to everyones taste.

* * *

**

Life

"What happened?" The on call anaesthetist asked as he burst into the room.

"Looks like a relapse," Mary replied. "I-"

Her words were cut off by Jackie's heart rate plummeted, her respiratory rate dropping like a stone. "Shit!" The man swore, turning he yelled out the room. "Get the crash cart!" As Mary pulled the pillows out from beneath Jackie's head and disconnected the ventilator replacing it with the ambi bag.

* * *

She felt disconnected, although in a surprisingly good way. She felt relaxed and carefree, everything was bright, and yet still images from the past flickered across her mind.

_Standing in a dark recess in the backyard of the station, Jackie swiped a lone tear off her cheek as she chewed on her bottom lip and tried to keep herself under control. She stared at the ground as she heard footsteps draw closer and quietly prayed that whoever it was would just walk on by._

_It was Robbie, and he didn't. He leaned against the wall. "Been looking for you," he told her._

"_What is it?" She asked._

"_Wanted to see if you're ok."_

_She shook her head as she felt the tears well up behind her eyes again. "Well I'm not," she whispered._

"_Ah Jacks," he sighed as he stepped closer to her._

"_I hate this," she whispered. "I hate people thinking that Michael would do commit suicide, I can't believe they're even considering it as an option. He wouldn't do it, he would have fought if he could have. She turned anguished eyes on Robbie. "Wouldn't he?"_

_Sighing, Robbie moved closer and pulled her into a hug. "Of course he would have," he assured her. "Come on, Jackie, Michael knew how precious life is, if he could have fought then he would have. All of us would fight given the chance. You know what it's like, upstairs is just trying to cover their arses."_

_She sniffed. "I hate it here and I hate that Burke, he's an unfeeling, uptight Bastard!"_

_Robbie chuckled. "He's just not what you're used to."_

"_Well I don't want to get used to him," Jackie replied vehemently._

_He stiffened, frowning at her words. "What do you mean?"_

"_I mean I don't want to be here, I don't want to do this anymore."_

"_You're upset, you don't mean that."_

_Jackie pushed him away, her eyes flashing in annoyance. "How would you know what I mean?"_

"_I just think that you're moving too fast, you need to slow down."_

"_Maybe I've just decided that life's too short," she snapped._

_As she made to move away from him, he grabbed her arm and gently tugged her back. "Look, we're all upset about what's happened and I know how much Michael meant to you so of course this is going to hurt, but he wouldn't want you to throw everything away because of what happened to him, that wasn't who he was."_

"_He didn't deserve this," she choked out._

"_I know." He dug his hands into his pockets. "But you just can't leave."_

"_And why not?"_

"_Because who's going to keep me under control," he replied, offering her a hopeful smile._

_Despite the fact that everything still hurt, Jackie couldn't help but smile. "You're giving me far too much credit. You do stupid things all the time even with me here."_

"_Believe me when I tell you that I've cut back a lot over the past few years."_

"_God save us all," she replied dryly._

_He laughed and tilted her chin upwards so she was looking at him. "See," he told her. "Now without you I really would be screwed." He clasped her hand in his and drew it to his chest, his mouth twitching, even though his words held a note of seriousness. "So you're not allowed to leave me, ever."_

_She hit his shoulder with her free hand and then hugged him, she was still devastated but he'd made her smile for the first time since they'd found Michael's body._

She could feel small jolts travelling through her body every so often, they weren't painful, just mildly annoying, she shook her head and tried to move away from the past, away from all those painful memories, and yet something stopped her.

"_How precious life is…fight if given the chance….you're not allowed to leave me."_

Still his voice floated around her head, buzzing away as if stuck on repeat and she could see his smile the one that she was sure could convince her to do almost anything. But she was fighting, wasn't she? She stopped, not even realising that she'd been moving forward, she turned back and still all she saw was the light, but there was noise.

Stepping backwards, she winced when another jolt ran through her, this one more painful and followed by what felt like someone punching her in the centre of her chest. She doubled over as Robbie's words repeated again in her head like some godforsaken mantra. And yet she still took another step in the direction the jumbled cacophony of noise, away from the peace and quiet.

She felt another jolt and she fell forward, everything once again going dark.

* * *

Looking at the monitor, James Hudson gave a sigh of relief. "We're back in sinus," he breathed out.

"Thank God," Mary sighed as the rest of the team beamed at each other, there was simply nothing better than pulling someone back from the brink.

"Keep up those ice packs," James informed them, and give some more amiodarone, she's becoming tachy again." He looked down at her chart. "Says here her Dantrolene was decreased."

Mary nodded. "She was doing really well, so it was felt such a high dosage wasn't needed."

"It could be that we've dropped under the minimum control dosage," he told her. "That could have been what triggered this new reaction. If she was stable on the higher amount lets go back to that." He handed one of the younger medics a small vial, get blood gases on that," he ordered. He rubbed his hands together and added, "Come on, lets get her stabilized."

* * *

Once the situation was under a bit more control and most of the team had dispersed, James turned to Mary. "Get one of your Docs to take blood in the morning, I want a kidney function test done."

"You think this latest set back's affected them?"

"Could have, make sure you stay on top of her fluid balance, I see it had been improving."

"Yeah, it had."

"Well fingers crossed this won't set her back too much, we got her back quickly, that's the main thing. Does she have family waiting? I saw Anne take someone into the relatives room, her husband?"

"No, he's a work colleague although I get the feeling there's more to it than that."

"There must be, it's almost three am, no work colleague I've ever met has visited for that long."

"I know…haven't figured out the story there yet though," Mary told him, a smile forming.

"Right, well I'll go talk to him, you want to come with?"

"Normally I would but we've fallen behind slightly so I can't really ask people to cover me and keep and eye on her while I go."

"Fair enough, you happy to have him go back in?"

"Absolutely," she replied.


	13. Wish

**Just a wee short chapter this time round

* * *

**

Wish

Robbie stared out of the window, he had no idea how much time had passed since he'd been ushered in here as there wasn't a clock and he couldn't quite bring himself to look down at his watch.

It was a surprisingly clear night, although he was sure that it would be absolutely freezing out there. He tilted his head upwards, squinting so that he could see past his own reflection in the glass and tried to focus on the stars instead.

He'd never been a particularly religious person, which might have been surprising to some, especially considering the fact that he was Catholic. Tonight it was different though, he wasn't sure if he was praying or wishing, but what he wanted, what he was asking for remained the same.

He wanted her to live, he didn't want to lose her. He'd lost people in the past but he knew that this would be different, just the thought of her not being there, of not being able to see and talk to her made his chest constrict and caused a wave of panic and nausea to rise up in his throat.

His hands ran through his hair, causing strands to stick up on end as he cradled his head in his hands. She had to be ok, she had to come through this and she had to wake up.

He hated that it had taken him so long to realise what had been staring him in the face for twelve years, that it was only now he was on the brink of losing her that he was able to admit to himself that he really did love her, and that what he felt wasn't just close friendship, although that was part of it as well.

All he wanted was for her to wake up and be herself, it wasn't an overly complicated wish, although on some levels it was still quite selfish, but at the same time he'd be willing to do anything to ensure that this particular wish came true.

Swallowing heavily he decided that if…no when she woke up, when she was back to her usual self he was going to tell her how he felt, no screwing around this time. He'd tell her the truth and take the risk that he should have taken years ago, he'd do it right this time.

* * *

More time passed, and he was beginning to lose hope, he knew that the expression no news was good news, but he also knew from his job that that particular saying was often a load of shit.

Finally the door opened and an unknown man in green scrubs stepped into the room. Robbie scrambled to his feet. "How is she?"

"We've managed to stabilize her," he replied his voice low and comforting. "The drugs still in her system prompted a relapse, and as you saw the effect they have is immediate and pretty serious. Her heart did stop for a few minutes, but we got her back quickly and we don't think that it will cause any adverse effects. What it has caused however is a setback in treatment, her temperature is back up and we're slightly concerned about her kidneys."

"Her kidneys?" Robbie echoed, his palms turning damp with nerves.

"Yes, this type of reaction can damage them, but we're monitoring her closely and we'll know more in the morning after we run some blood tests."

Robbie nodded. "They said earlier that they were going to take her off the ventilator and wake her up in the morning, is that still going to happen?"

"That depends," he replied honestly. "On what progress she makes, we need to bring her heart and breathing rate back into normal ranges and bring down her temperature before we even think about that. For now though she is stable, it's just that we're back to where we were at the beginning of the evening."

"Right," Robbie muttered, he was relieved and thankful that she was alive but the thought that she was back to being seriously ill again left him feeling utterly drained. "Can I sit with her again?"

"Of course, go right on through."

Robbie walked down the darkened corridor, the only sounds that of dull chattering at the nurse's station. He stepped into Jackie's room and saw that Mary was still there, checking the machines. She smiled at him. "Take a seat, I won't be a moment."

He nodded and dropped into the same chair as before, back to his game of watching and waiting, while at the same time he was thankful that whoever had been listening to him had granted his wish.


	14. Think

**Just a teeny tiny drabble for you this time round :)

* * *

**

Think

Lowering himself into the chair next to her bed again, Robbie reached for Jackie's hand once more, letting out a shaky breath as he did so. Being able to see her, to touch her again was the reassurance that he needed, knowing that she was still here, still fighting. That she'd come back to him.

He wrapped her fingers around his hand and brought it to his mouth, kissing the back of her warm hand gently, chastely. "You scared me," he told her shakily. "I honestly thought…" He shook his head. "Well you proved me wrong, again." He smiled at her. "This time though you have no idea how glad I am that you did."

His free hand trailed up and down the soft skin of her arm. "Further proof that you shouldn't leave me alone with my thoughts. Not that you should have needed any." He tried to laugh but it came out empty and hollow.

Dragging his eyes away from the stark white of the bed sheet, he looked at her face again. The one he'd seen almost every day for over twelve years now and the one he was only just beginning to realise would destroy him if he never saw again.

He wanted to reach out and touch her face, brush his fingers along her the smooth skin of her cheekbone but he was petrified of accidentally knocking away the oxygen tubing and so he resisted the urge. "That time did do me some good though," he told her. "I realised something, something I've known for a while but never really wanted to face."

Frowning, he amended himself. "Wanted is probably the wrong choice of word, I think I was just to scared to accept it. I love you, I have done for years and I've wasted so much time by not telling you, by not doing something to show you how I felt. Enough's a enough though, when you wake up from this, and you are waking up," he instructed her. "Once you're well again I'm going to make up for lost time, I'll prove that I mean it."


	15. Sunshine

**Sunshine**

The hours passed in near silence, the only sounds being emitted from the machines that surrounded Jackie. Eventually the dull artificial hue of the ward's lighting flickered off as the morning sunlight finally began to break through the grey clouds.

Giving Jackie's hand a comforting squeeze, Robbie got to his feet, stifling a groan at the stiffness that had set into his joints. He could honestly say he'd never felt older than he did at this particular moment in time, had never felt quite so exhausted. Walking over to the window, he stared out of the slightly smudged glass, watching as the sun managed eked through the permanent clouds that hung over the city and reflected off the puddles that decorated the grey concrete outside. His eyebrows raised slightly in surprise, he hadn't realised it had rained last night, hadn't even heard it he'd been so engrossed, so absorbed in her.

Yawning, he turned his face away from the window and looked over at Jackie's bed. Her skin was the pale perfection that it usually was again, no longer covered with that angry red flush red flush and he knew from holding her hand that it was no longer burning hot.

He reluctantly tore his eyes away from her face when Mary appeared in the doorway. She flashed him a small smile. "I just wanted to say goodnight…well morning if you want to get technical," she amended. "Christine will be taking over from me, she'll be in soon and the doctors should be round in the next hour or so." Her gaze travelled over him. "You look exhausted."

"Thanks," he replied dryly.

Her lips twisted thoughtfully as she hugged the coat she held in her crossed arms closer to her. "Look, in all honesty they're about to start the morning routine, meds, changing the beds, getting everyone and everything washed, that sort of thing. So you're about to get kicked out of here anyway, if you want my advice then go down to the canteen for a while and get yourself some breakfast. Chances are by the time you get back up here then they'll have decided the game plan for the day."

"What if something happens again?" he asked quietly, rubbing his hand across his jaw.

"I'll tell them where you are, someone can always run and get you," she assured him.

After a moment's hesitation, he finally nodded. "Yeah, suppose that would probably be a better idea," he admitted.

"Good," she smiled.

Grabbing his crumpled suit jacket, threw it over his arm and told her, "I just want to say thanks."

Her head tilted slightly. "What for?"

"Keeping me sane tonight, letting me stay with her, acting so quickly when…" He shook his head as if trying to dispel the memory. He shrugged. "Take your pick."

An embarrassed flush spread across her cheeks. "It's what I get paid for," she replied.

"Well still, thanks."

"You're welcome." she nodded her head towards the door. "Now go, take some time to yourself."

* * *

Robbie prodded at the cereal he'd bought with his spoon, he wasn't entirely sure why he'd even got it in the first place. He wasn't hungry, he'd just felt like he should at least attempt to eat something and the thought of his usual something fried on a roll simply hadn't appealed, in fact it had made him feel sick to his stomach.

Sighing, he pushed the now congealed mess away from himself and sipped slowly at his coffee instead. He'd had so much coffee over the last twelve hours that he might as well just ask them to stick in a drip of it when he got back upstairs.

He was wrenched from his thoughts by the seats beside and across from him scraping across the floor as Burke and Stuart dropped into them. He frowned. "What are you two doing here?"

Burke grimaced at the bowl of mush that was now in front of him and shoved it along the table, and replied, "We thought we'd come see how she was before we started work, seeing how you didn't bother to call us last night to keep us updated."

Robbie rubbed at his eyes. "Sorry…got distracted."

"Aye well they were busy upstairs so they sent us down here, told us we'd find you here." Burke ran his eyes over him. "You look like crap."

"It wasn't the best of nights," Robbie admitted heavily. "Thought we were out of the worst when she had a relapse."

He felt Stuart stiffen beside him at those words, his eyes widening as he asked gingerly, "Is she ok?"

He nodded. "I think so, she doesn't seem much different to how she was before she took ill again."

Burke let out a heavy sigh as he rubbed at his forehead. "I don't believe this," he muttered, he couldn't believe that this had happened to one of his officers, especially as everyone had assured them when she'd first been brought in that everything would be fine. "What are the doctors saying?"

"Not much, we'll know more after their ward round."

"I'm sure she'll be fine," Stuart offered.

Robbie gave a humourless chuckle. "It's Jackie, she's too stubborn not to get through this," he told them although his eyes remained fixed on his coffee, his words not even convincing himself. He thought she'd be fine earlier and then she'd scared him so much he was pretty sure she'd taken years off him. Now he wanted to sound convinced, but he wasn't, he wanted someone to guarantee him that she'd be fine, platitudes were worthless to him right about now.

He glanced down at his watch. "Should head back up, been down here for a while now."

"We'll come with you," Burke replied, the three of them leaving the near empty cafeteria in silence.

* * *

It was an older woman who greeted him this time, looking up from her job of detaching one of the machines and wiping it down. "I have some good news for you," she told them cheerfully.

Robbie could barely believe his ears at those words. "You do?"

"I do, the doctors are pleased with her progress and all the symptoms caused by the reaction have subsided so they've decided to withdraw the sedative they had her on, which is what I've just done and wait for her to wake up."

"I thought they were going to take her off the ventilator when they did that," he replied, frowning.

"We have, but until the sedative has worn off a bit more, it's safer to keep the airway in place. We also want to make sure she receives enough oxygen, the tubes that are attached just now just contain oxygen. It's known as a t-piece and all the work of breathing is her own but it's a safer way of stepping down the ventilation."

"Right. So how long until she wakes up?"

"Not long, we think she should start to come round in the next twenty minutes or so, and she'll most likely be off the ventilator in the next hour. She'll be drowsy for a while after that, but she'll be rousable."

"And her kidneys?" Robbie asked anxiously. "They were worried last night-"

"Blood tests show that she's not in any danger of kidney failure, but we're still running IV fluids and she's still on the medication to keep another relapse at bay, we normally keep them on that for 36 hours, although we'll try and switch her to tablets when she's more alert and take out the central line in her neck." She smiled at him encouragingly. "I know it's been a long night, but this is good news."

Robbie nodded, feeling some of the tension in his muscles finally begin to abate. "Can I still stay?"

"Course you can," she told him.

Burke watched his DI carefully, he was slightly concerned by how worried Robbie was and he had a feeling that the events of yesterday were going to cause more ructions in the team than he'd ever thought. Normally he'd offer to stay, but he got the feeling that that wouldn't amuse the busy staff if all three of them plonked themselves down, and he suspected that Robbie would much rather it was just him there when Jackie did come to.

For a moment he struggled to make his decision, then finally with a reluctant sigh, he tugged Stuart's arm, telling him, "Come on, we need to do some work." He turned to Robbie. "We'll come back at visiting hours. Call if you need anything."

"Will do," Robbie replied as he settled back into his chair. He waited until they'd left the room before he let a small smile tug his lips as a feeling of hope finally began to unfurl inside of him.


	16. Breath

**Breath**

Twenty three minutes exactly passed before Jackie's eyes finally fluttered open for the briefest of seconds before they closed again. Robbie leaned forward in his chair, watching with bated breath as the same thing happened a moment later, it was as if she was too tired to keep them open. His grip tightened on her hand as he silently prayed that she'd just look at him.

Her fingers moved in his embrace, wriggling almost experimentally. A smile crossed his face as a frown settled across her features. "Jackie," he whispered quietly. "Come on, wake up now," he told her, squeezing her fingers slightly.

Brown eyes opened and finally fixed on him, her lips moved around the tube that was still in situ as she went to say something and she began to cough, violently. She pulled her hand from his and he caught it again when he realised she was going to attempt to yank the tube out in her confusion.

The nurse accompanied by a young doctor hurried into the room. The young man leaned in over the bed. "Ms Reid, need you to look over at me"

Jackie did as she was asked, and he added quickly. "If you want the tube out then I need you to nod once to say you understand me."

She nodded quickly and before Robbie could so much as blink the tube was deflated and removed. He heard her breath in, a deep choking breath and strangely it was the best thing he'd ever heard in his entire life, it was right up there with the first time he'd heard Jamie cry. His hand stayed in hers as he ran his thumb soothingly back and forward over her knuckles.

* * *

Jackie tried to swallow against the burning dryness in her throat, which simply triggered another coughing fit. "Water," she finally got out, still fighting to keep her eyes open. Someone held a glass to her lips and she grabbed it with her free hand, although much to her surprise she only managed a few sips.

She let whoever was holding the glass tug it away as her eyes drifted shut again. She could see Robbie out of the corner of her gaze, knew that her hand was in his but she was too tired to say anything to him, her mind was muddled and hazy, with bits and pieces of spare memories floating around and jumping out at her.

An oxygen mask was secured around her face and she let out a small mumble of protest before she let sleep claim her again.

* * *

"Everything ok?" Robbie asked.

"Fine," The doctor assured him. "Went as expected, she'll start to come round more in the next couple of hours." He gave a quick glance in the direction of the monitor and smiled. Well as everything is going to plan here I'll leave you to it," he told the nurse.

Robbie ignored the rest of the conversation and simply sat back down again, watching and waiting once more.

* * *

**Later that Day**

Frowning, Jackie blinked her eyes open again, she could hear the low beeping of monitors and the low mumbled of conversations outside her room. She tilted her head slightly and she could see the screen that was emitting the noises sitting above her head. Along with a drip stand containing two bags, that were attached to a line that was in her neck, her hand came up - and she noted she had a venflon still in there as well although it was unused - to touch at it gingerly.

What the hell had happened? The last thing she remembered was talking to Robbie, telling him to go back to work and then being wheeled down the corridor. She turned her head to the other side as she vaguely remembered seeing him earlier when they'd taken that God-awful tube out her throat, although she'd been so out of it that it could have been imagined.

It wasn't, he was slumped asleep in his chair, his chin on his chest. He looked even worse than she felt and that was saying something, his suit was rumpled, his hair mused and his jaw unshaven. She went to pull the irritating oxygen mask off her face and the simple action rustled her bed sheets, causing him to jolt awake.

His body jerked slightly as his eyes opened, sitting bolt upright as if someone had electrocuted him. He looked at her and his eyes widened. "You're awake," he stated, his voice lower, hoarser than usual, the beginnings of a smile tugging at his lips.

She smiled at him, raising an eyebrow as she replied lightly, almost croakily, "It would seem like that." She glanced around the room and then added, "What-" Her voice gave way, the dryness taking over, he grabbed a glass of water at her bedside and passed her it. She gulped it down greedily telling him afterwards, "Thanks."

"S'fine," he assured her, his eyes still watching her intently.

"So what happened? I'm guessing that this wasn't as straight forward as they said it was going to be."

He shook his head. "No, it wasn't," he replied. "You had an allergic reaction to one of the drugs they gave you, you've been sedated and on a ventilator most of the night." His eyes flickered with something that she couldn't quite define as he added, "You had us all worried, even the Boss looked put out."

"I think that's just his face," Jackie joked weakly.

He managed a smile. "So how are you feeling?"

"Odd," she replied thoughtfully. "I don't know how to describe it though." She scanned his face. "Please tell me I don't look as bad as you do."

This time he laughed, deep and low. To him she'd never looked better, she was fine, perfect in fact, he knew she probably wouldn't buy that though so instead he replied, "Not possible."

Her head tilted thoughtfully. "Have you been here the entire time?"

He glanced momentarily down at the floor. "Pretty much," he finally replied.

She smiled. "You didn't have to stay," she told him. "Although…" she frowned, "Were you talking to me at one point?"

For a moment he stiffened in panic, he wanted to tell her how he felt himself, what he didn't want to happen was for her to think that he'd only said it because she couldn't do anything about it or worse because he thought she'd never remember. "Yeah…they said it might help, that you might be able to hear me…" he trailed off awkwardly.

"I think I did," she told him. "You were holding my hand?" It sounded like a statement but he could tell from the inflection in her tone that it was actually a question.

"I was," he confirmed.

She reached out and squeezed his hand. "Thank you," she told him quietly. "I think I remember it and I didn't know why I couldn't open my eyes, having you there, talking to me, helped keep me sane."

Both his hands encased her one. "I'm just so relieved you're ok," he replied. "At one point I thought that you weren't going to wake up, never thought I'd be so glad that you're the most stubborn, pig headed person I know."

Laughing, she squeezed his fingers tightly. "Oi!" She warned him. "Watch it."

"You're looking well," The nurse's voice floated into the room. She smiled at Jackie, "I'm Christine."

"Jackie, although you'll know that already," she replied lightly.

"Ah we know almost everything about everyone in here," Christine joked. "Now since you're awake I can take the line out of your neck and switch your meds to tablets. We just need to make sure that you drink plenty of fluids." She looked towards Robbie and told him, "You'll need to leave for this."

He got to his feet and without thinking leaned over and kissed Jackie's cheek. "I'll just wait outside."

Even though it was a chaste kiss, she felt her stomach flip at the contact. As he went to move away she placed her hand over his, stopping him. "Go and get some rest, Robbie," she told him quietly. "You look exhausted and I'm probably just going to go back to sleep."

He looked at her uncertainly. "I dunno, you said that the last time."

She shot him a mock glare. "I mean it, go home, shower and get some kip."

"Fine," he finally conceded reluctantly, knowing she wouldn't back down. "But I won't be long, a couple of hours max. Promise."

She watched him go, and as the room door shut behind him, Christine remarked, "I wish my husband was so attentive."

"Oh we're not married," Jackie replied quickly.

She shrugged nonchalantly, "Partner then," she amended with a small smile. "You're a lucky woman you know."

Jackie didn't reply, she wasn't sure how to.


	17. Joy

**Joy**

He was away for just over two hours, found that he didn't want to leave her for any longer than that, didn't feel comfortable doing so. When he got back she was awake again,. This time however she looked more like herself, sitting atop the bed sheets looking neat and tidy in her own clothes as she idly flicked through a magazine. He coughed lightly to gain her attention, and her head snapped up, a smile breaking across her face when she saw him as she closed over her magazine. "Look," she joked. "I'm wireless."

He chuckled, he couldn't describe the relief he felt at the sight of her sitting up and talking away normally, the wires and machines that had surrounded her earlier were all gone, in fact the only sign of her misadventure was a small dressing on one side of her neck.

"Did you miss me?" he asked.

"Terribly," she replied solemnly. "Thankfully however I was saved from boredom by Stuart and the Boss stopping by, and Stuart brought me a few things to keep me occupied. She held up the trashy magazine as proof of point. "And thankfully he brought me some of my own clothes." Her nose wrinkled. "I wasn't too keen on the hospital gown."

"I dunno," Robbie replied as he lowered himself into the now familiar chair. "It was backless, you could always have modelled it for me."

She whacked his arm. "Stop it," she laughed. Her eyes travelled over him. "You look better."

"Could say the same for you."

"I was comatose," she replied dryly. "It's not very difficult to take a step up from that."

He gave a small mumble and she tilted her head slightly as she saw something flash across his face. "Spit it out before it chokes you," she told him.

Reaching out, he moved forward in his seat and took her hand. "Just glad you're ok, that's all."

She smiled softly, noting that he made no attempt to move his hand. Settling back against the pillows she suppressed a confused frown. While he'd been away the medical team had came in to speak to her about her allergy and about what had occurred during the night, including the fact that she'd technically died.

Surprisingly however it wasn't that that played on her mind, it was thoughts of him that plagued her, he'd stayed with her through all of that, and not only that but she couldn't shake past memories of them, both good times and bad. And now, now it was like something between them had shifted, they still teased each other but a lot of the lightness that surrounded the banter was gone, replaced with something heavier. Maybe they just needed time, after all the last twenty four hours had been unusual to say the least, so a shift in their dynamic was probably to be expected.

"Oh! Stuart brought me cards," she told him. "We can play poker if you want."

"I'd feel bad taking your money," he told her gravely.

She rolled her eyes before replying. "Well then you're in luck, because I have about two pounds in my purse. We can either play with grapes or biscuits."

His lips twitched with the beginnings of a smile. "God, life on the edge."

"I think we've had enough of that, don't you?"

"Definitely," he agreed. "Right pass the goods and I'll even let you shuffle the deck."

"Oh ever the gentleman."

* * *

"You're cheating!" He exclaimed.

"Am not!" Jackie laughed. "You're just a sore loser."

"Fine, I'll deal the next deck and we'll see if you can repeat this feat."

She held her hands up. "Be my guest, it won't change anything." Her eyes narrowed. "Unless you're planning to cheat, win back what you've lost."

"I'm not going to cheat just for a handful of grapes and some biscuits."

"Chocolate biscuits," she corrected him. "And you're the one sitting with your knickers in a twist because you're losing."

"God you sound about ninety when you say that," he laughed.

She threw a grape at his head in retaliation, smiling when it hit its target and bounced rolling on the floor. Looking at him innocently, she told him, "You'll need to get that, can't risk tearing my stitches."

Robbie snorted, but he was still smiling and he picked it up, throwing it into the paper waste bag that was taped to the edge of the table. "Right, give me the cards." He held his hand out, palm up, fingers wiggling.

She handed over the cards with an arched eyebrow, the next game descending into the same routine of laughter and mock outrage.

"Well you certainly look better," a voice commented from the doorway.

Jackie frowned in confusion as she turned to look at the unknown nurse in her doorway. The woman then stepped forward, offering her hand. "I'm Mary, I was your nurse last night and your nurse for tonight."

"Oh, it's nice to meet you then," Jackie replied, taking the hand.

Mary's eyes landed on Robbie. "You're not the only one who looks better, first time I've seen him smile."

Robbie gave a low mumble, as he focussed on shuffling the cards in his hand. Jackie shot him a look of confusion, she'd expected him to have flirted with the young woman, but it appears that his legendary charm had been somewhat lacking last night. Shaking her head, she looked back at Mary. "Can I ask you something?"

"Course, can't promise I'll be able to answer it but I can certainly try," she replied lightly.

"I was wondering when I could go home."

Robbie's head jerked up. "You're only just awake, you shouldn't try and rush this."

"I'm fine," she insisted. "I don't need to be here now."

He made a dismissive sound in the bottom of his throat as he geared up to argue with her. Mary's voice however interrupted the proceedings. "That will depend on what your bloods are like. They're still a bit off, so we're going to put up some fluids overnight and see if that helps. So you're in tonight for sure, but you might get home later on tomorrow evening depending on what the results. However we do recommend that you have someone to take you home and preferable stay the night with you, after all you have had surgery and you were pretty sick for a while there."

"I can do that," Robbie volunteered quickly before Jackie could protest too much. "After all I've slept on your sofa before, wasn't the worse house guest."

"And so modest too," she teased.

"Leave you to it," Mary told them as she slipped out of the room.

"So? Yes or no?"

Her lips turned upwards into a smile. "Yes…I suppose," she added, in mock grudging tone, although he knew she wasn't being serious.

"Good. That'll get me a few hours off work."

Her smile turned into a laugh. Then looking out into the corridor, she commented, "She was pretty."

"Not really your type though," he commented easily. "Although if you feel like experimenting then do us a favour and tape it."

"Pillock," she muttered. "What I meant was I thought you'd have turned on your charm with her."

He shrugged. "Flirting wasn't on my mind last night."

"And tonight?"

He turned his confident smile on her. "I've got you for company. What more could I want?"

Jackie settled back on her pillows as her smile widened, it was strange considering the circumstances that this was the happiest and most relaxed she'd felt in a long time.


	18. Love

**Love**

_The Next Night_

"I could have carried that," Jackie insisted as she let Robbie into her flat.

"You might have torn your stitches," he replied easily.

She rolled her eyes. "From carrying a bag that has a couple of items of clothing in it?"

"You never know, can't be too careful."

Jackie winced as he threw the bag into her hall cupboard. "That does not go in there," she told him pointedly, crossing her arms across herself.

"I'll deal with it later," he assured her. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder, "but first thing's first, you need to eat something. I'll cook, so what do you fancy?"

Narrowing her eyes she stared up at him suspiciously. "You can't cook," she reminded him.

"I can," he scoffed. "I just choose not to most of the time."

"I simply don't believe you," she replied, a smile breaking across her face.

"Well then I'll just have to prove you wrong. Now you go sit down and I'll bring it through to you when it's ready."

"Oh no," she shook her head. "You cooking is something that I have to see with my own two eyes." She pressed a finger against his mouth to shush him as he made to argue with her. "And before you kick up a fuss, I'm just as capable as sitting down in the kitchen as I am in the living room. Plus it means I have someone to talk to."

"Ah well then," he grinned. "With the offer of your company on the table, how can I refuse?"

She tilted her face, smiling up at him. "You can't, you never even had a choice," she told him.

* * *

"So how is it then?" he asked, watching as she speared another piece of pasta with her fork.

"Surprisingly good," she admitted. "Although with the amount of calories in it, it damn well should be."

He looked at her in mild confusion. "You've never bothered about what you ate."

"You almost make that sound like it's a bad thing," Jackie commented, her face settling in a frown as she looked up at him.

Robbie shook his head. "Believe me, it's not. No-one wants to sit on a date with a woman who picks at a salad and shoots daggers at you when you have the nerve to suggest dessert."

"Well they're missing out, it's the best part of the meal," she replied.

His grin softened as he looked at her, he'd left spilling out his inner most thoughts and feelings when she was still in hospital, didn't want her thinking that it was just a knee jerk reaction to what had happened. In fact he had planned on leaving it until she was properly back on his feet, but right now when he was sitting here with her like this he was struggling to find a reason not to tell her. After all they'd lost a lot of time already, and a lot of it was down to both of them just being too damn stubborn. "We should do this more often," he told her.

As she looked up he noted that her face held a genuine smile, the one that made her eyes sparkle. "We should," she agreed happily. "As long as you cook."

"You can bring dessert then."

"Deal," she laughed.

* * *

A little while later, they settled on the sofa together watching a film, although in all honesty Robbie would have struggled to have told someone anything about it, including the title. All he could think about was her warmth as her back pressed against his shoulder and the length of her legs as they stretched across the sofa.

"This is nice," she muttered quietly.

"Uh huh," he agreed.

Her head rolled back slightly onto his chest as she smiled up at him. It was in that moment that he decided self control was decidedly over-rated and dropping his head he brushed his lips tentatively against hers before drawing back again, waiting for her reaction.

Her mouth parted slightly in surprise and she stared at him with a look of bewilderment. "I don't…what was that for?"

"Wanted to do that for a while now," he told her.

"But why?" she blinked rapidly, and while the expression on her face was somewhat amusing and strangely sweet he couldn't help but note with some relief that she didn't so much as attempt to pull away from him.

"Because I love you," he admitted. "I think…no I know that I always have and I think we've wasted enough time as it is, I don't want to waste anymore."

She inhaled sharply at his words. "This is just a reaction to what happened," she replied somewhat shakily.

"No, it's not." He caught sight of her incredulous look. "Ok," he admitted. "It did make me see sense, made me realise that even though I love what we have, how close we are I don't want to regret knowing that if one of us had said something it could have been a lot more. We could be good together." His fingers interlinked with hers. "Damn good, if we just take the chance."

Jackie simply stared into his brown eyes for a moment as her thoughts raced. She didn't doubt the fact that he was sincere, how could she? After all he'd sat by her bedside when she was - without exaggeration - at deaths door. He'd talked to her, stopped her from going mad. Something he'd always done, she might call him feckless but he'd always been there for her when it really mattered, was always there to offer her the support she needed. And of course there was the fact that she was mad about him, although God knew she often tried to deny that fact even to herself.

He was looking at her hopefully and she knew how vulnerable he'd made himself by putting himself out there. Still she didn't say anything, and she could see his jaw flicker nervously. The hand that wasn't entwined with his stroked up over his jaw and she cupped the back of his head, her eyes locking onto his before she kissed him gently.

Deepening the kiss as her mouth opened under his, he somehow managed to shift them so that he wasn't straining his neck, while making sure that she didn't pull her stitches. His fingers ran down her neck, stroking at the soft, pale skin he'd so often admired.

She hadn't thought it was possible but this was better than she'd ever imagined, and if she were honest with herself she'd imagined this quite a lot.

Finally they drew apart, although only slightly, and he leaned his forehead against hers, breathing deeply as he did so. "As much as I enjoyed that it wasn't exactly an answer."

Jackie laughed lightly. "Hate to point this out but you didn't actually ask me a question."

He frowned. "I didn't?"

"Nope," she replied, shaking her head in amusement.

"Do I need to?"

"No, I think you made yourself pretty clear. But," she told him stopping him as he went to kiss her again. "I think we need some ground rules."

"You would," he replied, although his tone was light, his mouth still curved in a grin.

"No more women, you can flirt all you want but I want monogamy."

"Done," he agreed. "Believe me, I have you, don't see myself ever wanting anyone else. Now anything else?"

"No, that's my main demand. What about you?"

"Me?"

Yes you," she replied nudging his lips with her own. "What do you want?" she whispered.

"Honestly?"

"Well this won't work without it."

His eyes met hers. "You're never to scare me like you did, ever again." He stroked his thumb over her cheekbone. "I don't need anything else. Although if you want to put in place a no clothes rule when we're in the house then I could accept that."

She slapped his arm. "Idiot."

His mouth brushed over hers again. "I meant what I said, I love you."

"I know," she replied confidently. "And I love you too."

For a while they just lay like that, kissing, enjoying finally being with the other with both knowing that it couldn't go any further at this moment in time. For now though, this was more than enough.


	19. Heaven

**Well here we are at the end :)**

**A short but hopefully sweet ending, although I'm kind of disapointed I didn't manage all the prompts but I didn't want to drag it out the story just for the sake of it.**

**Let me know what you thought of the overall finished piece :)**

* * *

**Heaven**

_3 Months Later_

He woke a few minutes before the alarm was due to go off, and he took the opportunity to admire the woman lying next to him, huddled underneath the heavy covers, pale skin contrasting with the darker bedding.

Shifting onto his side, he drew her carefully into him so that her back was resting against his chest and pressed a chaste kiss to her bare shoulder. He loved moments like this, the peace and quiet, the reprieve amongst the madness of their daily lives. Resting his hand on her hip, his fingers splaying against her warm flesh he could only just feel the edge of the small scar underneath his fingertips.

She hated it and he knew that, although to him though it was part of her and while it did represent the one of the most painful times in his life and fill him with a sense of shame and regret at the fact that it had taken so much for him to finally admit how he felt, it also represented the fact that she'd fought back while he had _finally_ seen sense and that she was with him now. Would always be with him if he got his way.

Admittedly not every moment of the past three months had been easy, they argued from time to time - which given their personalities was only to be expected - but much like before they were together whatever disagreements they had never lasted for long. There was also the aspect of juggling work with their newfound relationship, they'd decided they didn't want to run the risk of one of them being transferred out so they'd kept quiet. Although they were both sure that Burke had an inkling of what was going on but was turning a blind eye as he had no real proof.

By far though the good times outweighed the bad, they talked and laughed together, the sex was great and he was happy, happier than he ever thought he could ever be in a relationship. He loved her and the past few months had just cemented that, he wouldn't swap what they had now for the world.

His hand snapped out and smacked the alarm as it began it's screech, causing Jackie to jerk awake in his embrace. She gave a grumble of protest, burying her face against his arm. "I wish we could just stay here," she mumbled against him.

He laughed, the sound coming from low in his throat, the sound making her stomach squirm slightly. "Believe me, I'd like nothing more," he told her quietly, brushing her hair away so he could trail his mouth down her neck.

She sighed softly, her hand reaching backwards and wrapping around his head as she tugged his lips to hers so that she could kiss him again, twisting in his arms so that she could move closer to him, her limbs entwining with his.

Her brown eyes met his and he smiled, kissing the underside of her jaw, the edge of her lips as she let out another contended murmur. "What is it?" he asked against the delicate skin of her throat.

"I'm just happy," she told him, and she was, given the choice this was the only place she wanted to be.

"You're not the only one," he assured her, as he rolled her under him, his lips pressing against hers once more.


End file.
